Take it from me: This column crap is easy

By By Tom Quinn

By Tom Quinn

Eventually, we all get nostalgic, and with graduation only days away, I find myself in a very reflective mood. I can’t help but reminisce about the good times, the bad times and the pointless times. I mostly remember the pointless times.

And speaking of pointless, I’ve been thinking about all of the meaningless columns that I wrote during my brief tenure here at The Chronicle. I know not everyone enjoyed them (marching band, I’m looking in your general direction), but nevertheless, I put a considerable amount of blood, sweat and tears into each one. After all, writing a good column isn’t something that just happens overnight.

Because my column is typically due on Tuesday afternoon, I usually start brainstorming for ideas on Friday. I begin by cruising sports Web sites, but it’s only a matter of time before I’m distracted by some variety of online game. Some people like Scrabble, but I’m a slave to classics like “Breakout!” and “Pong.”

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, my column. By Saturday afternoon I’m already feeling a little pressure, which I deal with by staring at my Jessica Alba screensaver for two to three hours or until the battery in my laptop dies.

On Sunday morning, I put on my best “stressed-out” face and explain to my roomies that I’m too swamped to even think about going to church. Suckers. While they’re learning about Jesus, I’m home watching sports, sleeping or staring at my Jessica Alba again. Sometimes I like to do all three at once.

Once Monday morning rolls around, I usually make a point of blowing off class so that I can stay home and research ideas for my column. Of course, my unique brand of research involves playing “Tony Hawk” and “Madden” while sitting in my Underoos. If I get into any trouble, I merely explain to my professor that I got caught up at work.

By Monday night, I’m usually feeling the heat. As per custom, the online sports world is flooded with reports of drug scandals, Danika Patrick and Maria Sharapova, none of which are particularly newsworthy. If only there were some kind of super scandal that involved all three?sigh.

Tuesday afternoon usually finds me on a couch somewhere, alone, with only a blank Word document to keep me company. With time running out, I inevitably realize that regardless of how much “work” I put into a given article, I’m still only going to get $27 (before taxes) for its completion.

So, instead of trying to create a literary masterpiece, I throw together a bunch of silly one-liners that are about as despicable to the general public as caffeine and premarital sex are to the local Mormon population.

After I add just enough controversy to make the column noteworthy, all it needs is some kind of cheesy conclusion to help make it memorable.

Like I said before, writing a column isn’t as easy as you might think. But before you accuse me of wasting time, let me ask you this: What did you do this weekend?