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The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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The impending rise of Emperor Sancho II

By Steve Coons

Little needs to be said about the sorry state of U.S. liberals in mid-2005, when they found themselves one year into an extended Republican reign and a year prior to the conclusion of a decade of failure. Hurricane Katrina had yet to swing public opinion, and Pat Roberts seemed poised to personally slit the throat of any Supreme Court judge who wasn’t a card-holding member of the NRA.

Whether this liberal paralysis was a necessary result of the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, or the eventual result of decades of party mismanagement, isn’t the issue at stake. Much as Sancho Panza before them, they were led astray by a misguided madman, promising an island or two for their begrudging cooperation. It was a time when defying this administration appeared to be akin to political suicide.

But even so, this liberal-conservative cooperation didn’t last long. Even as far back as 2002 the Democrats were hedging their bets, hoping that the public would have no choice but to proceed rationally and choose the successor to the woefully inept commandant from the orderly, blue ranks.

But the public, as true, television-addled Americans, stubbornly refused to do so. Needless to say, a citizenry that allowed the Republican aggressors to escape with a few bumps and bruises, while Sen. Kerry was bundled up in a blanket and tossed repeatedly into the air for his vote in favor of the war against terror, or against an implied, future nuclear war with Iraq, was viewed with distrust by the Democrat minority.

But luckily, the Republicans managed to shoot themselves in their collective foot, as true, television-addled Republicans are apt to do. The long awaited island finally arrived late last year, and the Democrats accepted it with enthusiasm, only to be beaten to the floor by partisan politics and the veto stick wielded by President Bush in a manner that would have made Andrew Johnson (and a few 16th-century Spanish innkeepers) proud.

With the nation seemingly witless and the Republicans selfishly unwilling to end their reign of terror quietly, a wide-scale political battle in 2008 seems unavoidable. The campaign literature already reflects this with the Republicans yet again focusing their fear-mongering agenda around terrorism, family values and the Second Amendment.

The Democrats, meanwhile, seem to be planning on using reason to govern their island. This is a risky move that will probably backfire, but I personally applaud them for their blatant overestimation of the average American’s intelligence. They remain focused on education (is there a better way to dissuade a child from conservatism?), poverty and sound foreign relations.

Of course, they’re going to have to shelve most of those meaningless issues after the primaries, when it comes time to convince the public that gay Muslims won’t be parachuting into Iowa to swindle them out of their peacemakers.

In conclusion, the hope is that the doughy left can outdo their Spanish predecessor and make something of their island, hopefully whipping themselves into election shape by next November. With the realization that all offered islands are only landlocked villages, all feasts famine in disguise, and the American public simpletons who must be pandered to, firmly in mind the Democrats might just wrench this country out of the steely grip of Haliburton & Co. How does Emperor Sancho sound?

Coming next week, Part III: Democratic Doublespeak? or The Pernicious Proverbs of Emperor Sancho II?

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