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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony
Print Issues

The newest craze in television

By Nicholas Pappas

Original ideas are hard to come by. It’s been said that all fiction can be reduced to six conflicts: man vs. himself, man, society, nature, god or machine. Now, we can add a new twist — society vs. TV commercial sitcoms.

Facing a dearth of ideas, the silver screen began borrowing from network television, its primitive step-cousin. These collaborations produced fine art such as “The Flintstones,” “Dukes of Hazzard,” and “Jackass: The Movie.”

Television then scraped the crumbs of bad taste with a flood of reality programming — the resonating sound of hitting rock bottom.

Could there be more room to dig?

Never underestimate TV’s ability to devolve. On Oct. 2, ABC will premiere the newest dried-up fossil to their line-up: “Cavemen” — a show based on an insurance commercial. It’s an idea so dumb that, well, a caveman could come up with it.

The success of the show is yet to be seen, but here’s hoping it fails miserably. If “Cavemen” makes it, other needy executives will no doubt begin sifting through the waste of one-minute spots for ideas of their own.

I love jumping on the bandwagon. To stay ahead of the coming tide, I have a few ideas of my own.

1. “K-Fed: The Show.”

Last year’s Nationwide Insurance commercial was hilarious in its self-deprecation. Kevin Federline, ex-Mr.-Britney-Spears, was singing, dancing and…flipping burgers.

In this show, K-Fed will continue his mediocre ways. His bad freestyle rapping will induce the same uncomfortable feeling one gets watching “The Office.” The first season will feature guest star Britney wandering around in lingerie with an empty gaze. Viewers will discuss how fat she is while they eat a KFC Famous Bowl.

K-Fed will avoid hits out on his life, deal with custody battles and come to terms with being white trash. It’s “The Jeff Foxworthy Show,” except utterly tragic. Life comes at you fast.

2. “Budweiser Guys: The Show.”

In the premiere, Budweiser guys will do anything to get more beer. They will hang out with women who are far more attractive than any of them. They will act like idiots and often be reduced to grunting and scratching themselves.

Basically, it will be like every other sitcom already on TV.

3. “Viagra Commercial: The Show.”

In this sitcom, older gentleman will stand at attention for at least three hours. Every scene will have a phallic moment such as a golf ball going in a hole, a man holding a spraying garden hose or an argument that culminates in choking a bishop.

In fact, the show will be based in D.C., so the Washington Monument can always be seen erect in the distance. This setting might also allow for a guest appearance by a grinning Bob Dole, causing viewers around the nation to throw up a little in their mouths. Viva Viagra.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. We could put the Trix rabbit in rehab, have Ronald McDonald scare small children for half an hour or set the Pillsbury Doughboy on a treadmill in “The Biggest Loser.” New levels of mediocrity are upon us!

Let me know if any of my ideas get bought. You’ll find me staring at flickering lights on a couch turning my brain into mush — a caveman watching “Cavemen.”

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