Only pansies say “I love you,” or perhaps it’s the other way around. At my grandmother’s funeral, my two brothers tried to convince my grandfather, who was infamous for being unaffectionate, to say “I love you.” They finally got him to say it, but my father was pretty sure he ruptured something doing so.
One day, my father asked my grandfather why he never told his wife that he loved her. My grandfather explained, “If I said that, then the next time we disagreed, she would use it against me.”
My father reports that the way my grandfather treated my grandmother was no evidence that he loved her. Yet, in the last months of my grandmother’s life, when she could barely remember her own name, my grandfather would go to her room in the special care center of their nursing home every night and stroke her hair as she went to sleep. Was the payoff of not saying “I love you” worth the cost of his wife dying without ever having heard him say it?
My father looks back and feels guilty for not being more affectionate to my mother when they were newly married. He explained that being “lovey-dovey” made him feel uncomfortable and awkward. Over time, it became more natural to him. Years later, he’s remarried to another and their affection shown towards one another is enough to make me sick.
On my mission, I remember my mission president feeling an obligation to let his missionaries know that he did, in fact, love them. I can remember a time when, in a meeting, he actually said the words, “I want you all to know, I love you.” Despite its sincerity, I could tell the expression did not come out casually. There is nothing wrong with that.
Saying “I love you,” “I appreciate you” or any straight-forward compliment does not come naturally for many people. Perhaps for some people, they are preserving the sincerity of their words. A less honorable reason for not saying it may be that it makes us vulnerable and accountable.
Even worse, studies done by multiple universities report that males who say “I love you” first in a dating relationship may have ulterior motives.
On the one hand, these powerful words are often left out when they would mean the world to someone that means the world to us. On the other hand, these words could be insincerely used to manipulate.
If your mother would get a funny look on her face if she heard you say “I love you,” it has been too long since you’ve said it. Indeed, actions speak louder than words. So if you aren’t going to back it up, then don’t say it, but if you’re already backing it up, then quit being a pansy and tell your mom you love her.
