Horoscopes

By Gabi “the Genuflect Guru” Gaston

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

This week, your escape lies not in a billowing cloud of smoke, or even a cleverly concealed trap door, but in the finer things, Aries. The arts are your outlet, to be more specific. You are dearly in need of some refinement. I suggest you seek the artistic outlet that speaks the loudest to you…so, probably not interpretive mime…for many reasons.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You are considering making a sizeable purchase this week. I suggest you hold off, however, and settle for something a bit smaller, down the line. Sure, that Russian mail-order bride seems like a good idea now, but Svetlana is bound to eat a lot. Wait a week and then opt for a Siberian husky. They’re still delightfully Slavic but surprisingly less hairy.

Gemini (April 21 – June 21)

Your struggle this week comes in quelling your overwhelming desire to say, “I told you so.” I suggest, however, that instead…you…um, don’t say it. (I graduated with a master’s in psychology from the Greater Hobokin Community College to give that sage advice.) Let’s face it, you have enough trouble making friends as it is. You don’t need to lose any of the ones you have, huh?

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Something is troubling you this week, Cancer. It might be an issue that is deeply seeded within your past and won’t easily surface. It’s time to let it out. May I suggest the rarely used “Etch-A-Sketch” form of therapy? Between those two little knobs and that weird sand business, you’re bound to discover the root of your issue…(which for me was apparently an awkward smattering of lines and shapes…Go figure.)

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

This week, you are surrounded by less than desirable hangers-on. I don’t just mean that dryer sheet that’s been stuck to your back all day that no one had the heart to tell you about…though a good first step would be removing that. No, Leo, you need to harness the inner-feline and go Siberian on the Roy that is your clingy acquaintance.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Like a cinder-block-laden carcass in the East River, something is trying to surface this week. Your job, Virgo, is to ensure you have forgiven yourself or anyone else for past misdeeds. Let your issues become (carcass-laden) water under the bridge. (Pun very much intentional…and yet still not funny. I apologize, Virgo. I’m still working through some of my own issues. Now where’s my Etch-A-Sketch?)

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You are a wordsmith whose verbosities could get you out of even the tightest situations (a.k.a. your dad’s pants in the ’70s HI-oh! Better call home and make sure he’s already paid your tuition.) At any rate, you remind me of a man named Bill Shakespeare. In addition to wearing puffy pants and sporting a rocking goatee, he also used his words to put a smile on many faces…many “Bubonic-ly” charming faces.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Remember that gender-appropriate extra-curricular activity that your parents encouraged you to participate in as a child? Remember the countless hours of practice, money spent and tear-filled shouting matches in the Astro minivan on the way home? Yeah. Don’t let people do that to you anymore. If you want to major in…I don’t know…say, theatre, you do it. (Unless your tight-pants-wearing dad is paying your tuition. Then you’re in trouble. On multiple levels.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

This week, you need to step out of your own perspective and express someone else’s ideas for a bit. The most logical way to go about this, of course, is ventriloquism. It’s a lost art form, and it will be nice change of pace for you to have a hand in something that won’t press charges. HI-oh! (Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I went there.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You are filled to the brim with indiscernible urges this week (as opposed to girlish glee), Capricorn. Rather than ignoring them, as you are apt to do, give in to the urges. Go with your unconscious flow. Strap on some ethereal Depends, and soil yourself right into enlightenment. (Apologies to those with overactive bladders, the elderly and pretty much every major religion…and you, Capricorn.)

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

If you arranged your friends and family into a phone tree, what kind of tree would they be? An oak, a box maple, perhaps? Or do you fear they would be a fungus-ridden and lackluster sapling? (Much like the one I purchased from the city as a replacement for the one they killed that won’t seem to grow or die! Sorry…my own issue. Another one for the Etch-A-Sketch.) You are fortunate. Your tree is a muted, but elegant chestnut.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Your supervisor is full of…um…”ideas” this week. Few of them are workable, and one of them may even be illegal. Your task this week is to gently persuade your higher-up to start thinking your way, and stop sticking metal in the toaster. It will start a fire and just terrorize an English muffin.

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