Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week, you’re overly concerned with the things people are saying about you. Your obsession, however, is unfounded and leaves you looking like that guy in the propaganda film “Reefer Madness,” who bludgeons his family with a copper kettle in a fit of paranoia. I suggest you take the time to see that people are actually quite complimentary, and I would forego that family jaunt to Williams-Sonoma.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week, it’s essential that you surround yourself with the people who make you the happiest. It could be good friends, family, perhaps even French mimes missing limbs. Whatever gets your motor running. For me, I choose to surround myself with good friends, family and French ampu-mimes, all of whom make me feel better about myself — in so many ways.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Have you ever had one of those moments, Gemini, when you look back at old photos of yourself and think, “I wore my hair like that? Really? And nobody said anything?” This week threatens to bombard you with a torrent of unfortunate memories, fashion-oriented or otherwise. Stay strong in your sense of self, and remember, we all suffered through the awkward clothing love-child that was the early ’90s.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
The time has finally come for you to retreat into your tastefully decorated shell, my crustacean friend. You are usually so concerned with the comfort of others that you forget to treat yourself. This is the week to do so. Stock up on chocolate, feel-good movies (“Reefer Madness” is a personal favorite of mine) and bask in your own inactivity. Should someone chance to hassle you about this R-and-R session, cite my column as the source of your respite. (It probably won’t help at all, but I just want to ensure plenty of people are reading it.)
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
With your winning smile, you can do no wrong, Leo. People aren’t always receptive to your unbridled enthusiasm and almost unsettling zeal for life, but this week, you have a throng of admirers at your bidding. The question is for what you will use your newly found fanbase (and offing Sharon Tate has been taken). Your charm might just let you get away with murder, so choose wisely.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Unlike our dapper Leo friends, you are struggling to convince others. Something you feel passionately about has surfaced this week, and those around you seem indifferent to your cause. Don’t give in, however. Use whatever means necessary to convince them, and if that involves a copper pot and some bludgeoning, then that’s just what has to happen.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You remember that little cricket in the movie “Pinocchio?” Jiminy was his name, and like he did for our puppet friend, he represents your conscience. You know you have an unfinished task nagging at you, and the only way to quiet your cricket friend is to just get the job done. If that doesn’t work, try DDT, but I don’t recommend it in poorly ventilated areas.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
If life were a newly paved and well-lit interstate, you would be in the midst of a phenomenal road trip. There seems to be nothing blocking your progress this week. So enjoy the ride! Buy a motorcycle, grow some mutton chops and hit up every hippie commune you encounter from here to the coast. You were born to be wild. Just make sure you stay hydrated. Nothing kills a bad-ass cross-country trip quite like heat stroke.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week calls for you to be a bit of a conservative. No, you don’t have to cut funding for public schools, create a monopoly on what you think God wants or tell women what to do with their own bodies. Just cut back on any excess this week: spending, how you dress, how many minority families you’ll allow in your country club. You know, the basics.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’ve really got your act together this week. You’re a finished product inside and out. I suggest you put your assets to work, go out for that big job interview you’ve been hesitant about or ask someone out you think wouldn’t normally give you the time of day. In fact, you are so “on” this week, I’ll bet you could combine the interview and date with success. Either way, you’re sure to receive some kind of job.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week, you’re functioning much like one of those infertile couples would. You look healthy, seem happy and haven’t experimented with too many mind-altering drugs, but somehow, things just won’t take. However, this is temporary. Keep trying, and pretty soon you’ll have an abundance of joy, like that couple that had eight children at once. (I don’t know if I would call eight children an abundance of joy, but luckily for you, it’s just a metaphor. A loud, sticky, diaper-wearing metaphor.)
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 19)
Someone from your past is offering you a missing link to an opportunity you thought had passed you by. Though this “missing link” might not be directly Yeti-related, it’s worth pursuing. If it is directly Yeti-related, pursue that as well. Remember, if you chose to venture to the edges of humanity in pursuit of a creature that is neither man nor animal but the worst of both, you will not return to this world the same. (I’m just now realizing my passion for Sasquatch might be a little bit unhealthy.)