In returning from the day of national thanks — and collective gluttony — our friends and loved ones are often left trembling in our gravy scented wake. We’ve trotted off to our various homes and succumbed to the soporific effects of tryptophan and family.
Before we dive head first into the two-week cram session preceding finals, however, it’s only fair to answer just a few of the many and varied questions that would otherwise drive you, the students, to drink this holiday season.
Dear Gabi,
I want to have sex somewhere on campus. Where would the best place be?
Tingling with Anticipation,A Proud Student of the U of Who-Ha
My Dearest U of Who-Ha,
I’m glad you asked this question, because until I decided on a major, the campus functioned solely as a venue for my own sex-capades. I’ll give you my top three locations and let you do with them what you will. (Off the record, of course — this is a “dry” campus after all. HI-oh!)
In no particular order:
The Performing Arts Building. It’s cozy — well damp, anyway — and you can easily blend in. With the weird goings on in that building, two virile young university students’ exploring their copulatory options is unlikely to catch anyone’s eye. Plus, they need to worry about a deviant vagrant who frequents the building, and oddly enough he leaves behind more bodily fluids than you might. Keep it safe, kids.
The Utah Museum of Natural History. The museum is a personal favorite of mine, because it functions much as a theme hotel would. You can get your “mate on” deep within the Crustaceous Period (we’re talking time lines here, don’t get freaky on me) or amongst Neanderthals (especially good for those with body insecurity issues). You might also want to coordinate your rendezvous with the wonderful traveling exhibits at the museum — that way you can throw something new and a little spicy into the mix but still be able to look your partner in the eye.
Red Butte Gardens and Arboretum — mostly because in the winter months, I need something to do other than dust the Gift Shop.
Dear Gabi,
I’m in a relationship with this girl, Jamie, and I love her. Except every time I try to tell her, she gets nervous, because she just doesn’t express herself that well. How can I show her my feelings without pushing her away?
Yours,At a Loss
Dear At a Loss,
Have you suggested on-campus sex?
Seriously though, this one is tricky. My first instinct is to say that if she has a hard time dealing with your expressions of love, she maybe isn’t the best fit for you. However, opposites attract and can work in the end. I suggest you ask her how she would like you to express your appreciation for her. It might be something as simple as helping her with laundry or a short piece of poetry on the back of a grocery list. (Willliam Carlos Williams did it, and he was happily married…or maybe he got divorced. I don’t know. At any rate, it’s something to do with those old grocery lists.) Just remember, there doesn’t always have to be a verbalization of feelings. Sometimes they’re just there, in the atmosphere, and saying it somehow makes it all too tangible and overwhelming. Give her time to figure out how she wants to be loved, and in doing so, you’re showing her your love and commitment.
Dear Gabi,
So, I’ve heard a lot of gossip about the ridiculous amounts of money, drugs and mind-blowing success that comes along with writing a bi-monthly advice column for a university newspaper. In fact, I’ve heard rumors that you eat a bowl of pearls for breakfast every day, just because you can, and you then pay for your subsequent dental work out of pocket. I also heard that you bet large sums on underground cage matches between obscure historical figures that you bring back form the dead, and last week you had to find a way to dispose of Elizabeth Cadie Stanton’s mangled corpse after she lost to Eli Whitney and his Cotton Gin. Lastly, I am almost certain I heard that you paid to have someone made into a real life Mr. Potato Head, so that you could put angry eyebrows and lady lips on him whenever you wanted. Is all of this true?
Sincerely,Vicariously Thrilled
Dear Vicariously Thrilled,
Yes. Yes, it is, but the column is just my day job. It’s dusting the Red Butte Garden Gift Shop that’s my real passion.