Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re quite good at avoiding things, Aries. The dishes, your homework, that big Russian guy who loaned you money and is knocking on your mother’s door with a baseball bat and jumper cables as we speak — you know, the usual. This week, however, it’s time to face things head-on. You have responsibilities that can’t wait any longer, and if that means you’ll have to take 4,000 volts of electricity to your areolas, that’s just part of being an adult — or BDSM fanatic.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Did you see the movie “The Descent” about those cave creatures who are pale and blind and have never seen our surface world? Yeah, me too. We’ll both never get that two hours of our life back, but there’s hope for you, Taurus. Try to avoid cloistering yourself in the dank, moist living space for which you likely pay $300 per month (plus utilities) and get out into the fresh air and sun. Then again, forget it. Maybe try one of those frighteningly effective spray-on tans Lindsay Lohan has used to replace her rampant cocaine use.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
The best things usually come in pairs: mittens, nice shoes, those unsettling British twins from “The Shining.” Sometimes bad things come in pairs, too — such as the nearly identical but separately valid parking tickets I discovered under the 3 feet of snow on my car Saturday. If you are in a terribly tandem situation, get out of it now, before the fine increases — and it always does. (Happy holidays, Campus Commuter Services! Good luck on those trendy little mountain bikes when the two gallons of water I poured on my sidewalk tonight freezes!)
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Unlike our Aries friend (who might or might not be sold into white slavery here in the next week), you should put in some hard-core procrastinating. Why do it today if you can spend equal energy avoiding it and then half-assing it at the last minute? The stars have aligned for you to kick back and relax for a while. So, go ahead and watch the entire first season of “Emotional Eating with Rachel Ray” — I know you have it Tivo-ed.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Like a club-footed Ice Capades hopeful, you are overcoming challenges left and right (well, hopefully not left and right — that’s just cruel). You have tough situations to work through, but you can do it, especially with the help of a new friend. If that new friend drives a van, wears a haphazardly trimmed moustache and offers you candy and puppies, all the better.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
There are men in this world who would stoop so low that they would pay a woman money or drugs in exchange for sexual services. Then, there are men who can’t afford that, so they pay $2 to watch a girl dancing suggestively behind a plexiglass window. You are the latter man in the suspiciously stained leisure suit this week, Virgo. You can look, but you certainly can’t touch (the $2 gets you in, whatever you do beyond that is your business).
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
There is a calculus equation that, when put into a graphing calculator, will show you the exponential relationship between what you put in and what you get out. I could not tell what that equation is, but I am very good at Texas Instruments I-83’s version of Tetris. Long story short, the more effort you put in, the more rewards you will reap (including a new high score).
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Like the first guy your fat friend Gina slept with in junior high, things can often come upon you too quickly — as I’m sure Gina later informed you. This week, it’s important for you to make sure there is nothing unexpected headed your way. No one likes to be caught off guard (or in the eye). Sure, it stings, but it’s just embarrassing more than anything else.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Sometimes I like to watch the History Channel, drink chamomile tea and go to bed at 7:30 p.m. I’m headed for an early retirement. However, according to narrator Tommy Lee Jones after an abrupt market crash early in the 19th century, all the federally insured banks locked up their gold reserves in Fort Knox for fear that those who had lost their money would seek revenge amidst a fiery mob. You should do the same, Sagittarius (maybe without the torch, pitch fork and tri-corner hat, though).
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
This week, I suggest you assert your authority. Join the Highway Patrol, wear aviators or volunteer to teach an adult literacy class and then ridicule the students for their inability to read the latest installment of “Dora the Explorer.” Maybe you could just issue me yet another parking ticket. Whatever keeps your head out of the oven every night, Officer A-hole.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
I was watching TV the other day and saw the story of a young girl and a little dog who journeyed to a far away place. With the help of some new friends, the young girl managed to do some things she never imagined doing back home. I was once again watching the History Channel, and that young girl’s name was Patty Hearst. The story ended rather badly for all involved, and the dog is entirely conjecture on my part. Your adventure could be fruitful, however, Aquarius, if you only had a brain.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Have you ever been in one of those hedge mazes that goes on for miles? Sure, you have. Who hasn’t? At any rate, your life is a bit like one of those hedge mazes right now, Pisces — thorny and filled with sleeping vagrants. Instead of using your usual tactics to get through (i.e. gasoline and a chainsaw), be patient, because something beautiful awaits you, just around the river bend…I mean, corner. (I’m definitely not listening to The Best of Disney as I write these.)