By Gabi Gaston

Dear Gabi,

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I’m not looking forward to it. I’m alone, unsatisfied, and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it through another “Singles Awareness Day.” Am I the only one that hates this holiday?

Romantically Retarded

Dearest Emotional Short-bus Passenger,

Rest assured, you are not alone in your distaste for the Hallmark holiday that has brought about many a binge-eating session. Valentine’s Day is, hands down, the worst holiday ever. Flag day pulls a close second, but at least that day allows you the possibility to string something up a pole other than the tattered remnants of what was once your capacity for human connection. Stop me if I get too bitter.

I’m not just speaking from a place of personal bias. There are some universal reasons for the overwhelming lacklusterousness of V-Day (among them, that it often holds the possibility of becoming VD-Day, if you’re not careful).

First and foremost, through no fault of its own, Valentine’s Day happens to land in February. In Utah, this month is the calendar’s equivalent of those terrifyingly unfamiliar pair of crusty gym socks you found wadded under the driver’s seat of your car four years after buying it used. Valentine’s Day is gloomy because no one wants to share his or her love when trapped in a hopelessly inverted valley. That’s why everyone in Los Angeles is divorced.

Second, Valentine’s Day’s proximity to President’s Day (my favorite holiday) is ludicrous. It steals the thunder of Washington’s cherry tree, Lincoln’s winning hat/beard combination and FDR’s spinal paralysis. If you prefer giving out cards and candy to making construction paper silhouettes of our founding fathers, then you hate America. Finally (in case all that wasn’t enough to send you to the rest room vomiting the 3 pounds’ worth of candy hearts you have undoubtedly consumed), Valentine’s Day is an affront to the true meaning of romance. An annual dash for a box of chocolates and a $5 card that plays Captain and Tennille isn’t romantic — it’s sad.

The worst part about Valentine’s Day is that it’s an obligatory reminder of something we should be doing everyday, every moment, for those we love. If it were up to me, Valentine’s Day would be obsolete. We would have 364 other days to cherish the connection we share with our fellow human beings, without rasing our glycemic index.

Dear Gabi,

I’m considering buying a pet for myself. I’m only home for a few hours a day, but I would really like a little creature to keep me company. What do you think I should get?

Sincerely,

Up in the Air About Animal Adoption

Dear Up in the Air Animal Adopter (Isn’t that a Jefferson Airplane lyric?),

Here are the top five easily neglected pets, in no particular order:

Cat. They are generally low maintenance, especially if you teach them to use the toilet and eat the neighbor kids. They are also great if you enjoy being ignored and non-verbally mocked, or if you don’t ever plan to wear black clothing again.

Chinchilla. Because mink is expensive.

Guinea Pig. These little guys are great because whatever your alcoholic roommate doesn’t manage to urinate on in a drunken stupor, your guinea pig will.

Tarantula. Because secretly, we all want to be terrified to sleep in our own rooms.

Snake. Because how else are you going to get rid of all those other pets?

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Animal adoption hot topic around Valentine’s Day