When it comes to love, it seems like the public has created an unofficial list of beliefs they need to follow in order to find it, said Eva Malia, a U alumna.
Included in the list of beliefs is the notion that when people believe they have found the right person, that man or woman will meet all their needs. Additionally, once they have met the right person, the public believes that they will be able to change them, said Malia, who graduated in psychology and French. And finally, the public believes that they need to love someone to be happy.
However, most of the time, these beliefs are really myths. ?In reality, Malia said there are three stages to love, which were discussed during a Brown Bag Series installment in the Women’s Resource Center on Tuesday.
Most love begins in the romantic stage, where emotions are intense and the feelings are exciting, she said. From here, love can change into three different stages. One is of intimate love, where trust, honesty and respect flourish.
“Relationships should be based on mutual admiration and respect above all ,” said Candace Christiensen, a practicum student at the center, about the first stage of love.
Another stage is passionate love, full of adventure and arousal, yet often short-termed. Malia said that most people like to live their lives in the passionate phase and rarely move on to another level. She also questioned society’s emphasis regarding this stage, but said that as long as one person is honest in the relationship, it will work for a long time. However, she said negotiation is key.
The third stage is abuse, where partners experience control issues, mistrust, dishonesty and blame. Most of Malia’s life work comes from experiences in the third stage where love can turn into abuse. She has spent the last five years working with victims of domestic violence at the YMCA in Salt Lake City.
“Abuse comes from a very fundamental lack of self-esteem,” Malia said. “(Those who abuse others) feel powerless.” ?While a dark side of abuse in love and relationships exists, Malia said that many relationships don’t ever cross into this phase as long as there is understanding and communication between partners. Malia said people should not let society’s definition of love define their relationships.
“I think it will be interesting to see what love looks like in a couple of years,” said Jay Wilgus, assistant dean of students of the evolving nature of love.
Malia said that in the meantime, people should find love without looking at society’s standards.
“Find happiness for yourself,” Malia said. “Not in what society dictates.”
Tyler CobbEva Malia, a grad student in counseling, led a discussion about relationships in the woman’s resource center.