Advice: Get a hooker

By Alexandra Gregory and Clayton Norlen

Dear He Says, She Says,

I’ve always considered myself a typical guy — I’m really into sports, beer and beautiful girls. But something has always bugged me about myself, and I need to fix it.

Over the past few relationships I’ve been in, I’ve developed a desire to try on women’s clothing. I have no idea why I get a kick out of it, and I never really considered it a big deal until I almost got caught recently by my girlfriend.

I don’t think she suspects anything, but now I’m wondering what is wrong with me and if I should open up to her about this. I am afraid that she wouldn’t understand and that she could leave me.

Sincerely,Hot in High Heels

She Says:

Dear Heels,

There certainly is not anything “wrong” with you. A lot of people who choose to cross-dress do so in private. If this is your thing — your way of expressing novel eroticism — then feel free to keep it in the private sector. If it’s something you take great pleasure in, you might want to share it with your girlfriend for that reason.

If fear of being deserted is keeping your secret in the closet, test your girlfriend’s reaction by starting conversations on the subject and gaining insight into her opinions.

He Says:

I’d say you’re still a typical guy, Heels. The only problem is, you’re stealing clothes from your girlfriend. Why don’t you go get yourself an outfit and wear something that fits? That way when your girlfriend finds out, she won’t be worried that you stretched out her favorite dress.

Ally has it right, though. You need to start having conversations with your girlfriend if you are going to be open with yourself and your relationship. Think of the fun you can have once she knows: You can go shopping together, paint each other’s toenails and give an accurate account of whose ass really looks bigger in those jeans.

h2u he sez she sez,

so my WoW gl, im lik gtfo and hes all no u gtfo and he gkicks me and im like omgwtf is that, noob, diaf. so ima need keying 4 SSC so im like lfg pst n no1 is pming me so idk wtf. so i pm the gl and im like ya, k, sry, and he’s all qq more, l2p. and im dude come on sry though tbh im not but whatev and he just sez gng4u pwnd noob. so ya, im still lfg, s2 MT, cuz of some noob gl so now wat?

thnx,proplyr

He says:

Dear proplyr,

If your guild leader is treatin’ you like a first-time noob and not the tier-six warrior you are, then you should be making your own guild. Just have a little patience. If you start it, they will come, proplyr.

If you want to patch things up with the “gl,” use your profession to make him a present to really show you care. Or you could start farming some gold and help him make that down payment on the mount he’s been eyeing for his level-70 blood elf.

Just listen to some Daft Punk and everything will be OK.

She says:

I’m not even going to pretend to know what you just said. Go get a date. Cast your eyes on some real, flesh-and-blood tits.

Dear He Says, She Says,

OK, so…here it goes…My roommate and her boyfriend have probably the loudest, most obnoxious sex of any couple I know (or can hear). I feel like every night after I go to bed, they start up.

I’ve tried freaking everything! I even knocked on the wall to let them know I could hear them, which worked…for, like, five minutes! I swear, they’re so loud, I can hear him dirty talking through the vents and now I feel awkward every time he comes over. His smile is sooo creepy now!

How do I tell them or stop this whole awkwardness thing? I feel like moving out or…I don’t even know! Help!

Yours,

Big Trouble in Little Two-Bedroom

He says:

Dear Little Two,

This is the best time to fight fire with fire. You go get yourself a hooker and pay her to scream with pleasure until your roommate gets a sense for what you’re goin’ through.

Until you can find a partner of your own to do the tango, get some earplugs or make like proplyr and listen to some Daft Punk. They’ll keep you comforted along with the idea that at least someone in your house is getting a piece.

She says:

At this point, even if you get these two to stop shouting their naughtiest nothings through the vents, you’ll probably still hold resentment toward your roomie. When you live in such close proximity to someone who is driving you nuts on a daily basis, it usually transcends the realm of reaching a resolution through correcting the problem.

Let’s face it. Even if this girl goes on a spontaneous study abroad adventure next semester and doesn’t return, you’ll be thinking of those loud, sleepless nights for years to come. You might even wake up screaming from a wet dream that involved those two and your current significant other, and that’ll really tick you off.

For now, invest in some Bose noise cancelling headphones and crank that Daft Punk. Even if you can’t afford that hooker, Daft Punk’s mixes are enough to get anyone off.

[email protected]@chronicle.utah.edu