Ties, lies and America’s Next Top Model

By Clayton Norlen and Alexandra Gregory

Dear He Says, She Says,

The last time I saw President Bush on TV, when he was in Africa doin’ his thang pretending to care about poor, starvin’ folk, I coulda swore he had a boner. What do you think?

Sincerely,BoneDing Police

He Says,

It makes sense. He’s well into his 60s, and I’m sure he has a prescription of Viagra to keep Laura happy. I mean, it’s not like anyone else is really standing by him anymore. He’s gotta do all he can. That s*** can keep you at full salute for hours, so maybe he got talked into a quickie on the plane, and things hadn’t calmed down yet. Or maybe he’s just a creep and finds all that suffering sexy.

She Says,

Screw Viagra. The guy just gets off on putting up a front. Pretending to care about starving African citizens probably starts his engine as much as telling the United States that Armageddon will come in the form of terror. I’d keep your eye out for more Bush trouser snakes coming out to play, it’s a sick cycle.

Dear He Says, She Says,

I’ve spent the last five months sitting inside my house watching America’s Next Top Model marathons and eating pizza. Since it’s been so cold lately, I’ve been able to disguise the 20 pounds I’ve gained by wearing baggy sweaters and thick winter coats. But my boyfriend and I are going to Cancún after graduation, and I’ll have to squeeze into my swimsuit, or at the very least some capri pants. Do you have any suggestions for a way for me to lose 15 pounds? I’ve seen your pictures, and you look pretty svelte and fit. Share your secret, hotties!

Love,Soon-to-be Bikini Babe

She Says,

I believe there’s hope. Maybe not for dropping a quick 15 by early May, but at least for feeling good in those capris. My ninth-grade science teacher told me that you burn less calories watching TV than you do just staring at nothing, so turn off that horrid device. Next, drop the pizza habit to once a week and start a daily workout regimen. You’ll become more conscious of your food choices just by exercising more, and pretty soon you’ll feel better about yourself. You’d be surprised how far a positive mental attitude will carry you.

He Says,

Start by turning off the f***in’ TV. That s*** ain’t doin’ a damn thing for you. The next step, I suppose, is healthy eating mixed with regular exercise. Of course, that is if you really need to lose weight. Maybe you actually need to gain 10 pounds. But if it’s weight you feel need lost, then check out the Dietary Guidelines at www.health.gov/dietaryguidelines. Skim it, and you can find out how to get to some healthy habits incorporated into your life.

Dear He Says, She Says,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and we’ve had a fun time together. Recently, I’ve discovered a drawer full of ties in his apartment. I like that he dresses up often and looks good every day, but I know that he doesn’t have enough money to afford 37 silk ties. I’ve accidentally found out he’s been stealing all these ties from a high-end department store. I can’t be with a thief, but I’m afraid to confront him about it because who knows what else he can be capable of. What could come after ties??? He could get violent and strangle me with one of them. What’s a good way out of this situation?

Tied to a Thief

She Says,

Good lord, Tied, have you never experienced the joys of being strangled by your lover? I can understand your fear of being paired up with a criminal, but you’re dealing with high-end, kinky bedroom possibilities! Silk ties! And with such a variety! If I were you, I would strip to my skivvies and hurriedly provoke that violent streak within him. That will put you in a much better situation.

He Says,

Ya know, Ally, I’ve got quite a tie collection ;). Anyway, Ties, we’re not even sure he’s stealing the ties. Maybe they belonged to a deceased grandfather, or they could be from the D.I. And if it is stealing that’s helped your boyfriend amass such a collection, then good for him. High fashion comes with a price, and it’s not worth paying. I’d just keep your eyes on your purse and shoot for a lil’ of what Ally’s proposing. Worst case scenario, you’re out 20 bucks, and ya have a good time.

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