Research animals’ names released

By By Boa Tanner and By Boa Tanner

By Boa Tanner

During the last legislative session, the Utah House of Representatives passed a bill that, if signed into law, would conceal the names and personal information of animal researchers at the U. The bill was sponsored in response to animal rights protesters who had been harassing U researchers at their homes.

However, in what they called a “positive move to come out of the bill” that conceals their names, animal researchers decided to release the names of the animals used in experiments.

On the list are various species of animals — most who died after testing — including Fuzzbutt the chimpanzee, Sheepish Steve the sheep and SparklePuff the mouse, along with members of his extended family, Cuddles, Fluffball, Muffin, Patches and Spot.

“Hopefully, by releasing the names of the animals we test on a daily basis, it’ll make up for the fact that we refuse to give out ours,” said a researcher, who requested to remain anonymous. “In a way, we honor them — except the dead ones. Because they’re already dead.”

The list is aimed at making the public, including animal rights protestors, “more comfortable” with the fact that adorable little creatures are torn from their families and sometimes killed for scientific research at the U, said another anonymous researcher.

“If you put a name to the face of our lab animals, then you kind of feel like you really get to know them,” an anonymous researcher said. “It’s kind of nice. Well, before you test them and they die, anyway.”

The released documents contain not only the names of the animals on which tests are being performed but also include the animals’ last sounds and gestures.

“Ahhhh-aaaaaawwwwwwww-ohhhhhhhh,” expressed Fuzzbutt on March 25, flailing his arms as the injected battery acid hit his bloodstream.

As usual, animal rights groups expressed outrage about anything involving animal testing at the U. Yet their attempt to protest the names list was unsuccessful — they were unable to find researchers’ homes because of the new law that conceals that information.

Many were seen wandering the streets off campus.

“Well, I’m all angry, but I don’t know where to go,” said Patty Smith, an animal rights activist who believes her cat is intuitive. “I gave up trying to find the researchers, so now I’m just yelling at people I see.”

Warning: This article should only be read in the context of April Fool’s Day.

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Fukudome Good

Animal activist Patty Smith celebrates the U’s decision to release the names of tortured animals.