There are many sexy men on our fine campus, but there is one whose molten-hot sex appeal sears through the hearts of all women. That big hunk of master man meat is the Associated Students of the University of Utah Vice President, Basim Motiwala.
While this titillating tempter’s looks might only appeal on a level of lust to the majority of people, it should be said that Basim’s intoxicating appearance has done more for this university, city and state than the Huntsman money and Donny Osmond combined.
For starters, although some might believe that Mario Capecchi won a Nobel Prize for his years of research, the fact of the matter is that Basim’s body emits waves of sex-appeal-based radiation that, while making women everywhere swoon, also has the ability to change the genetic structure of mice.
Next, although not known to many, Basim is single-handedly causing our state’s dependence on prescription depression medication to decrease at an incredible rate. He uses student fees to put subliminal messages into the commercials Utah housewives watch while their husbands are away at work. When asked why she had stopped refilling her Prozac, one woman was heard mumbling, “Basim…so dream?y.”
Also, Basim often takes time out of his busy schedule to help men and women relax when he interns at the Utah College of Massage Therapy in the “theme massaging” unit. Basim kneads people into submission in a number of settings, including the Tarzan Room, Cupid’s Palace, Hands of Hercules and the most popular, Dude Ranch. People are said to leave the magic hands of Basim with no need or desire to ever have a massage again.
Last, and perhaps most important, Basim is the reason I come to the U.
Yes, I said it, I am in love with Basim. And perhaps that was the whole purpose of this column — to bring to light a man who lights fires in the hearts of people everywhere.
I sit across the hall, gazing out the door of The Daily Utah Chronicle office, dreaming of the day when it won’t be a conflict of interest to run, not walk, into that executive office and see the sparks fly.
Basim, you are the dreamiest dream of them all!
Warning: This article should only be read in the context of April Fool’s Day.
