Chess club adviser’s head explodes, interrupting milestone match

Longtime U chess club adviser Robert Johnson is in serious but stable condition after experiencing excitement-induced spontaneous combustion Saturday night.

Johnson was experiencing what doctors called “borderline mass hysteria” after grandmaster and former world champion Garry Kasparov agreed to play Utah’s Ivan Martynenko in a friendly match during the weekend. He reached a critical health state 45 minutes into the match.

“I just remember him using the Queens Gambit in order to counter Kasparov’s Nimzo-Indian defense,” Johnson said after a taxidermist pieced his head back together. “When Ivan put that son of a b**** in check, I began to feel dizzy, and then ‘bang!'”

“I just remember him running around in circles and making a whooping sound,” Martynenko said. “He kept repeating, ‘Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,’ with his hands over his head. But that was a pretty normal response for Robert.”

Shortly after, Johnson’s head exploded into bright flames and the match was suspended. It is unclear at this point if Kasparov will ever resume the match.

Taz Emillia

Rome to air show on KUTE only

Rome will be burning in Utah. That’s because Jim Rome announced last week that he will be leaving Los Angeles to host his radio show exclusively on KUTE.When asked about the unexpected move, Rome seemed excited to be heading to Utah.

“It has always been a dream of mine to live in Utah because I am such a huge Salt Lake Bees fan,” Rome said. “With my new show on KUTE, I will be able to reach a whole new level of sports fans.”

News of the acquisition has increased KUTE listeners by 50 percent to a record total of 12 students.

Chester Hambone

Mtn. expands transmission to Africa

In The Mtn.’s never-ending quest to expand its availability to Mountain West Conference fans, the first-ever network dedicated to providing coverage of a single athletic conference announced that it had brokered a new deal.

“We are excited to announce that fans in Kenya and Zimbabwe will now be able to watch The Mtn.,” MWC Commissioner Craig Thompson said in a press release. “This fits into our plans of tapping into the international market.”

It is still unclear when the Dallas-Forth Worth area (home to the TCU Horned Frogs) will gain access to The Mtn.

“The situation with the Dallas area is unfortunate, but they still have the NFL Cowboys to tide them over until something can be worked out,” Thompson told The Daily Utah Chronicle. “Mombasa and Mutare had little or no access to football.”

Taz Emillia

NCAA approves Poston for 8th year of eligibility

Darryl Poston was cleared by the NCAA for an eighth year of eligibility on Monday. The extra year of eligibility was pushed through at the last minute after it was discovered that Poston “just wasn’t himself” during the 2007-2008 season.

“That could be the reason he stayed healthy,” teammate Brian Johnson said. “Sometimes getting injured is a mental qualm. Apparently, Darryl has mental qualms.”

Luckily for Utah, Poston’s status as a preferred customer with the NCAA made the process relatively smooth.

“Daryl is a pleasure to work with,” NCAA eligibility council member Stu Pidman said. “Any time we can prolong the career of a premier athlete, it transpires into a win-win for everyone.”

“I’ve been given a second — well, fourth — chance, and I’m not going to let it slip by,” Poston said.

Adding to the intrigue of Poston’s prolonged college football career was some unexpected news he received from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Shortly after the announcement that Poston had received an additional year of eligibility, Poston also announced his intentions to serve an LDS mission beginning in May. Poston, who was not known to be LDS, was called to serve on a Boise, Idaho, mission.

Upon his return, Poston will be 28.

Gordy Calhoon

Warning: This article should only be read in the context of April Fool’s Day.

Jimbo Fisheggs

Chess Club advisor Robert Johnson can attest that the game is a truly minblowing experience.