Aries (March 21-April 19)
Do you ever watch the “Justice League” (I do hope I’m not the only one up at 2:30 a.m. watching cartoons)? Good. I want you to use them as your model this week. Wherever someone is in need of your assistance, you and your friends should be there to offer it. So liken yourself to a Marvel hero and bring the justice. And remember, although Superman has his merits, don’t discount Wonder Woman…Someone’s going to have to get the stains out of the Spandex come laundry day, and we know it isn’t going to be Aquaman.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If love were a piece of pre-fabricated home furnishing, it would be the IKEA shelf I spent the better part of my weekend assembling (apparently, to enjoy Swedish engineering in your home, you must also have a Swedish engineering degree). Anyway, that love-shelf might look stable and appealing under the glitzy track lighting of the display room, but it takes work to get love out of the box, correctly assembled and load-bearing. Be sure you are ready to put in the time.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your brain is at its peak this week. Your mental capacity for problem solving should be honed to the best of its abilities. I suggest solving a Rubik’s Cube, inventing a perpetual motion machine and then, only if your brain is ready for it, assembling the rest of my IKEA furniture. Those bedside tables aren’t just going to put themselves together, you know.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
While working at a grocery store, I have become familiar with the inner workings of the Coinstar change sorting machine (not made by IKEA, just for the record). I have observed how this piece of machinery carefully separates the American coins from the Canadian ones — in other words, the good ones from the bad ones. This week is the time to sort the change that is your life. Keep what is good, get rid of what is bad…or Canadian.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
This week you are radiating with charm. Your heart feels as big as…a three-mile island…oh, wait. As long as you’re all aglow, you might as well share it with others. So don’t be afraid to breach your core this week and embrace the ensuing warmth of an Emotion-obyl, even if it does cause pancreatic cancer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
One of the best things about marching bands — and there’s plenty to chose from — is that one instrument isn’t allowed to overpower another. The instruments move together in perfect harmony, like synchronized swimmers, only more nerdy. I will remind you not to toot your horn too loudly this week, Virgo. I also remind you not to join a synchronized swimming team. Ever.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
We all have a nagging voice in the back of our heads that tells us to do things: Do your work, clean the house, poison the neighbors’ children…I mean, exercise more. My possibly undiagnosed case of schizophrenia aside, that nagging voice, homicidal or no, actually holds a kernel of wisdom. You’d be wise to listen.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Some say the fastest way to boost your ego is to try something you’ve never tried before. To them, I say that sounds like a great way to get hurt, contract trichinosis or wake up in a Tijuana prison wearing a novelty sombrero and nothing else. If that makes you feel better about yourself, Scorpio, then Olé!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Domination seems to be a big theme for you, this week. Not in a harness-and-riding-crop-Bettie-Page sort of way, but it’s present nonetheless. This forceful give-and-take is particularly important at work. You would be wise to play the part of the submissive, just for a bit. Besides, like a suburban Ohio marriage, a little power dynamic play might be just what you need.
Capricorn (December 22-January 1)
Have you considered having children recently? If you have, this week would be the perfect time to have, use or borrow them (with permission of course). These little ones will enrich your life — in that you should delegate meaningless tasks to those around you, and who better than children? They’re small, don’t eat much and can be easily swayed or beaten…I mean disciplined.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Of all the literary figures in mysteries, it is that fabled figure, Inspector Gadget, you are channeling this week. You are determined to get to the bottom of something that’s been bothering you. Although your methods of investigation are unorthodox and often put your face to a wall (literal or figurative), go Gadget Aquarius!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
For better or worse, Pisces, I will confide in you that I once went to Girl Scout camp. Giggle if you will, but I can start a blazing inferno with just laundry lint (unlike the Boy Scouts, I manage to confine it to the fire pit, rather than an entire national park). At camp, we had a ritual in which we would wake at the crack of dawn, trot down to the lake and jump in. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. This week, stick your toe in uncertain waters before plunging your already under-nourished and sunburnt nine-year-old body in. Deal?