Satire: R. Kelly acquitted on all charges

By Poppius McGee

For years R&B star R. Kelly has been hounded by allegations that he filmed himself urinating on and having sexual relations with a 13-year-old girl. However, in May, prosecutors in his home of Cook County, Ill., finally brought the matter to trial before a grand jury.

Arguments from the defense and the Cook County prosecutor have been heard, evidence (including the disturbing 27-minute video itself) has been shown, and the jury will soon go into deliberations.

However, it all might be for naught. Throughout the trial, the prosecution has struggled to corner Kelly and to demonstrate that he is the man depicted in the video. The defense has alleged that the video was fabricated to sink his reputation and that the man in the grainy, unclear film does not have moles and hair in the right spots.

Jurors have been subjected to expert testimony from computer-generated graphics artists and filmmakers, and witnesses have testified to the character of Kelly and the unlikelihood of him participating in the acts shown in the video. The case, at its end, seemed to be going Kelly’s way. He looked poised to walk free.

It was in this environment that the prosecution stepped forward with a deal, which was revealed to the public via a leak late last week. The deal forces Kelly to acknowledge that he enjoys urinating on little girls without necessarily convicting him of this specific crime, and it allows him to avoid probation, jail time and fines. The only stipulation is that Kelly get back to making records like Chocolate Factory again.

The document detailing the deal reads, in part, that “we as a society have a duty to protect and preserve our cultural heritage, and the men and women who create that heritage. Kelly is an accomplished artist and his incarceration and defamation because of this unfortunate incident would do grave harm to his ability to produce jams.”

In an audio recording of the meeting smuggled out and given to the Chicago Tribune by an anonymous mole, chief prosecutor James Fulton is heard remarking “I’ve had sex to ‘Bump & Grind’ more times than I can count. Who am I to put the man who gave that to me in prison? It’d be like throwing the Dutch masters in prison for tax fraud.”

Reaction thus far has come mostly in various shades of outrage and bewilderment. The family of the girl abused in the videos, now 23 years old, is preparing a criminal suit with new evidence and the Cook County prosecutor’s office has been buried with indignation and scorn from around the country.

Conservatives have been especially furious. Rush Limbaugh has asked his Chicago area listeners to camp themselves outside R. Kelly’s home and harass him in retaliation, and Sean Hannity of Hannity & Colmes is organizing a boycott of R. Kelly’s albums expected to slice deeply into Kelly’s sales to older white Republican males.

There are those who were less outraged by the deal and some who even found it agreeable. Among the vast following of fans which Kelly has developed over the past decade-and-a-half, there was jubilation when news of the deal broke. A website devoted to the musician, was filled on Monday with fans ecstatic at the news.

One posted, “He’s way too smooth to wind up in the pen.”

Advocates for the lowering of the age of consent also found occasion to celebrate.

“Attitudes may be softening,” said Bruce X, who wished not to be identified but claims to represent the North American Man-Boy Love Association. “People may be finally coming around to the idea that a grown man and a young child can share an intimate bond. And urine.”

The road for R. Kelly is not yet completely clear. The criminal suit is gone, but the stigma will most likely remain for a long time, and the legal threats from other parties will keep his lawyers busy for the next several months if not the next couple of years. But at least now the specter of imprisonment and public humiliation no longer hovers expectantly over his head poised to rain down justice.

Editor’s Note: This column is intended to be satirical and should in no way be taken seriously.

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