Satire: Supreme Court ruling bodes well for the hood

By By Poppius McGee

By Poppius McGee

On June 26, the Supreme Court of the United States broke 5-4 in favor of striking down the District of Columbia’s 1975 handgun ban. Hunters, collectors, those interested in self-defense and other enthusiasts across the United States hailed the decision as sea-change sure to reverse similar bans across the country and usher in a new era of more tolerant firearms legislation.

But there was another group excited at the prospect of increased availability of firearms: those grindin’ hard on the streets every day with swishas full of dro and pockets full of stone.

“I move product like U-Haul. That’s what you’ve got to understand,” said Houston entrepreneur Big G during a telephone interview. “I’m invested in a wide variety of businesses. I’m into escort services, I’m into pharmaceuticals. I’m into the high-tech sector. I’ve got to protect my investments. And I’m sorry, but I can’t get it done without weapons. You know how it is. H-town.”

Those engaged in a quest for that paper and respect have found respite in the court’s ruling, from the streets of Miami (the real Miami) to the slums of Los Angeles. Handgun sales last week soared 75 percent as firearm rights groups brought legal challenges against restrictive laws in Chicago, Atlanta, Houston and L.A., where previous ownership had been either rare or not much higher than the national per-capita average.

While hustlers and pimps expressed unqualified support for the ruling, there are those who feel that the increased prevalence of firearms ownership will play havoc with efforts to curb drug trafficking, fraud, prostitution and violent crime.

A criminologist at the University of Chicago, Dr. Robert West, expressed dismay at the ruling.

“I respect that the court has the power to judge things like this and I understand the precedent in the Constitution for firearms ownership, but all the same I can’t see this doing much good for neighborhoods where crime is already commonplace,” West said. “This is an area of the country that has been cut off from adequate school funding, social services, any kind of positive structure. People turn to crime and crime feeds upon itself. The injection into this volatile mix of more guns can only be a negative thing.”

West has been joined by dozens of other professors, legislators and gun control advocates around the country, who on Tuesday issued a statement condemning the ruling and asking the various municipalities whose laws would be threatened to consider the adverse effects of “guns on the streets.”

Still others have been quick to pooh-pooh the threat.

Rap artist Bun B responded during an interview, “I guarantee, you give me a list (of those opposed to the court’s decision) right now, nobody on it’s ever come within a hundred miles of the hood. None of them understand. It’s a cold world out here so I got to keep a heater with me at all times. Nobody is listening to anyone that’s not from the hood, nobody is obeying those laws. I don’t like it, it’s something I don’t relish or get joy from, but it’s how things are at this point in time.”

And so the American inner city seems to be poised on the brink of either an unprecedented rash of violence and strife or a period of heavily armed peace. One thing, however, remains certain, and for fans of hip-hop it is a belated boon, the silver lining to a dark cloud. Those sipping lean in the turning lane on dropped-low candy-painted ’64s will have plenty of material to work with in the coming years.

Editor’s Note: This column is intended to be satirical and should in no way be taken seriously.

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