Satire: Students go to drastic measures to avoid Chartwells

By Oliver Wickentower, Red Pulse Writer

U groundskeepers are in a tizzy trying to figure out how to replace the grass in the Free Speech Area after students were spotted eating it at lunchtime. At times during the week when the snow melted, students were found going to town on the lawn like fat kids at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

School officials were understandably stunned at the freakish cow-like behavior. It’s no secret that Chartwells is the most monopolistic parody of decent food service to be found on any campus, but up until this point, it has been mostly tolerated. Students go to the Union, get a pile of goat dung heaped on their plate and proceed to pay $8 for it. Maybe not the most ideal situation, but it’s worked so far. Chartwells is assisted, of course, by the fact that no other food alternative exists within a 100-mile radius of campus. Unless you include the restaurants along 1300 East whose $20 meals are even less appealing to college students who can barely afford to finance a two-pack-a-day Ramen habit.

“I just don’t get it,” said a Chartwells spokesperson who then began to break down at the podium and cry. “We try so hard. We even have Asians serving the Chinese food so it’s more authentic. What else are we supposed to do?”

The lack of quality food service and the subsequent student reaction was a response to an investigation conducted by the whistle-blowing independent group Food Stoppers. The results of its investigation conclude that Chartwells’ so-called “meat” is actually the flesh of deceased conflict diamond babies imported from Africa. Up until the investigation, it was fair to assume that the only reason students grabbed their ankles and let Chartwells have their way with them on a regular basis was the idea that the company couldn’t possibly be evil, just a little misguided.

“I had no idea that Chartwells actually supported terror,” said admitted grass-eater Sarah Thompson. “By importing dead African babies to serve as chicken or beef, they are in fact directly supporting Islamic jihad. As an American and a socially conscious student, I have no other choice.”

Chartwells isn’t the only organization facing difficulties after the fallout of the Food Stoppers’ investigation. The systematic grazing of the Free Speech Area has left U landscapers at a loss. After the initial clearing of the greens, groundskeepers immediately tilled the soil and planted new seeds to replenish the lost flora. Their plans failed the next day when students, unable to come to terms with Chartwells’ terroristic and immoral business ideals, began plucking seeds out of the dirt and eating them like starving birds. Maintenance officials have stated they are working on a new solution.

Chartwells officials, on the other hand, have declined to comment on the results of the investigation other than to say that business will continue as usual.

“Regardless of the actions by a rogue group of conscientious individuals, there is still a large staple of self-loathing sadists who willingly give us their business on a regular basis,” said the spokesperson.

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Editor’s Note8212;The above article is a satire and should in no way be taken seriously.