Satire: Confusion, chaos erupt after ASUU primaries

By Oliver Wickentower, Red Pulse Writer

Revolution Party presidential candidate Tayler Clough all but ruined his chances for victory in the general election by mistakenly declaring himself the winner after the primary results were announced. In a bold and ill-advised move, Clough erected a large podium in the middle of the library plaza and delivered a damning victory speech that lasted for nearly two hours.

Confused onlookers were treated to bottles of champagne and expensive cheese purchased with Clough’s already depleted budget for the coming year. Students were transfixed as they watched a Soviet-style parade of Revolution Party candidates and loyalists march by their not-yet-elected president for inspection.

Clough’s speech itself was especially disturbing, detailing extensive plans to revamp the university into some kind of neo-communist training complex for those who want to “watch the world crumble before our very eyes and emerge into a new twilight of equality and strict military rule.”

After congratulating his comrades for all their hard work and dedication to the movement, he ominously addressed his followers.

“This is a new era for the University of Utah,” Clough said. “No longer will the Michael Youngs and Pat Reimherrs of the world be able to oppress our people. Now is the time for revolution and I guarantee that those two will be the first up against the wall. I am your president, and I will lead you into a new world!”

Apparently the crowd was either too confused or amused not to interfere with the president non-elect’s gregarious speech. Many got drunk off the champagne and shouted, “It’s revolution time!” despite wearing orange or yellow shirts. No one intervened until the end, when Clough tried to publicly decapitate Pace Johnson as a sign of the new administration’s Cubanesque regime.

By this time, the National Guard had been called in to quell the increasingly violent gathering. Armed to the teeth with ballistic riot shields, batons and tear gas, the riot control team descended upon the crowd, sending the onlookers into fits of rage and begin openly attacking the guard members.

An hour later, when the mayhem had ceased, only a few casualties were reported. The most notable loss was the party’s vice presidential candidate Rachel Rizzo, who was shot dead after firing an AK-47 into the air and screaming, “I’M A PI PHI, DAMN IT!” Authorities are unsure as to how she obtained the weapon.

Revolution Party operatives worked quickly to repair the image of the unelected Clough and the rest of party. A statement released shortly after the incident declared that Clough was merely staging a publicity stunt and will continue to run in honor of his slain running mate.

A Revolution Party representative, who commented anonymously because of the sensitivity of the situation and fear of being executed in retaliation, said, “No one is really sure what made Clough think that he had won. We were going to tell him we still had to wait a week, but you just don’t say no to El Presidente.”

The representative went on to explain he didn’t understand why they were participating in the election anyway.

“Don’t revolutionaries stage coups?” he asked rhetorically.

In the meantime, it is unsure whether or not the elections will proceed at all, as students are terrified of coming anywhere near the library, let alone the rest of campus.

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