Scientists have made a shocking discovery this week and it’s far from sweet.
Twinkies, the once cherished cream-filled sponge cakes, are responsible for creating a worldwide zombie apocalypse. Just one month after Hostess’ re-release of the yellow pastries, the world has metamorphosed into a Twinkie-eating, undead corpse frenzy.
The supposedly new and improved Twinkies had an extended shelf life of 45 days, from what used to be just 26. And scientists claim these extra preservatives brought about the zombie transformation.
Science Guy Nill Bye said, “The preservatives found in Twinkies have caused an imbalance in the human race. They are prematurely embalming vital organs within the body, putting people in a limbo between dead and undead.”
It is estimated that 98 percent of the planet’s population has consumed the zombie-transformative Twinkies. And billions of the corpses walk around grocery stores during the day chanting in undecipherable groans, hoping for more pastries.
The Department of Homeland Security has issued a warning statement that deems all supermarket chains unfit for human consumers at this time. “Our nation’s grocery stores have been captured by enemy zombie forces [and they have also taken our drones],” the warning states.
Scientists have also concluded that the ingredient list on Twinkie packaging was insufficient. They have found traces, not only of excess preservatives, but also of pickled eggplant, foot sweat and knock-off sponge cakes.
“It’s the sweat that makes the new Twinkies so addictive, but it’s also why our zombies smell like they’ve just emerged from a boys’ locker room,” Bye said.
But nobody is more enraged than Startha Mewart.
Mewart claims the Hostess Company stole her secret pastry ingredient: horsemeat. She said, “What? Do you think the Brits get to eat all of the good horse?”
But scientists are less concerned with what’s inside Twinkies than they are about the physiological manifestations they cause to the world’s population.
Many of the undead corpses are heard muttering, “Ehh. Nom nom nom. Gurgle, hmph.” And others can be found watching reruns of Days of Our Lives.
Some of the corpses have even resorted to joining the cast of The Walking Dead as extras for season four.
But perhaps the most startling side effect present in the zombies is their desire to listen to Bustin Jieber’s albums on replay. Scientists fear the undead are becoming less intelligent as a result.
“Their IQ points drop so rapidly when the song ‘Baby’ comes on. It’s like they are becoming fully brain dead,” Bye said.
Although Jieber is reportedly safe, many other celebrities have fallen prey to the spongecake catastrophe including: Taylor ‘Not So’ Swift, Emma ‘Cold As’ Stone, Brad ‘Bottomless’ Pitt, and, of course, Robert Pattinson.
But the apocalypse has hurt morticians more than anyone. Without funeral costs, many mortuaries have had to foreclose.
“The dead people business has, ironically, died out. All of our clients are perpetually undead corpses now,” said Paul Tergeist, a mortician from San Diego.
But the preservatives haven’t been all bad. Many zombies have reported that they never used their brains anyway, even when they were human (one of the zombies in this group posed a striking resemblance to Mitt Romney).
And now, Hollywood’s film industry can finally stop making zombie movies. Perhaps they’ll reinvest their efforts in Days of Our Lives again.
But then again, we zombies can only hope for that … and more Twinkies.