Strangely enough, I was never much of a beanie-wearer until my sophomore year in college. Deeming my hair far too luscious to be suffocated by the soft elasticity of wool or cotton, I refused any opportunity to warm my head in one.
It wasn’t until my first date with a soon-to-be ex-boyfriend that I finally considered the beanie as a contender in my otherwise beanie-less wardrobe. My date dragged me along with him to scope out University Mall in search of the perfect black beanie, and I incessantly expressed my disdain for the accessory so passionately that night that the fact that the kid continued to date me for the next few months is nothing short of a miracle.
“It’s just such a lazy accessory,” I would insist. “Everyone wears beanies all the time — there’s nothing special about them, like, at all.” I would assume the role of the sassy gay shopping companion cliché to my date (a stereotype that I’ve worked diligently to keep far away from), fervently proclaiming, “That just ain’t gonna work out, honey, no matter how hard you try.”
It was a surprise when I showed up at his apartment the next week for our second date, and he came out with a baggy black beanie shagging from his head. With a smirk, he entered my car and asked in a noticeably saucy tone, “Like my hat?” The worst part of this cruel act of defiance was that he looked damn good in that hat. I couldn’t decide if I should be — jokingly — furious or buzzing with excitement.
How in the world could he pull off such a lazy accessory? And with such panache and ease? More importantly, why had I not attempted such a daring feat? With my stylistic sensibilities I could s-l-a-y the beanie, wear it like nobody before me and in a way that no one could imitate in the future.
The following week I snuck to City Creek between classes and bought myself three of them, convinced I had uncovered the ultimate secret to happiness. Now I am a proud father to no less than ten of them in an array of colors that can easily be plugged into just about any outfit.
Although the relationship that sprung from this glorious epiphany only lasted a few short months, the lessons it taught me in terms of winter accessorizing were priceless. I can survive an entire winter without my head/ears freezing beyond recognition, not to mention the fact that I look undeniably sexy with my wavy hair peeking out from under the knit hat.
Now go buy a beanie or something.
@ChronyArts