Student Services wants you to succeed in your academic career. To aid you in the million-dollar question of choosing your major, we’ve assembled the graduation requirements of some of the most popular majors here at the U. With the four-year graduation rate for students hovering around 24 percent, students should make sure they know what they’re getting into when selecting a major.
Communications
Hello, how are you? Can you communicate an answer to the preceding question? If so, you are well on your way to a communications degree. Some might find it strange that communications warrants an entire field of study. What, you may ask, is the benefit of learning about something that most seventh graders have a decent grasp on? You will be expected answer that question and others, such as: Do I look at the face or the butt of the person I’m talking to? Should I speak louder than normal when giving a speech? Do I put my lips around the microphone or just next to it? Also, you’ll need to successfully pilot a PowerPoint presentation without permanently scarring the retina of an audience member while using one of those neat clickers that doubles as a laser pointer.
Geology
Rocks: Some people climb on them, others smoke them. As a geology major you will interact with rocks in far more intimate ways. Did you know that there are over 3,000 different kinds of rocks and minerals — and none of them are interesting? Be sure to prepare yourself for a two-week pilgrimage to southern Utah, during which your group will discover and exceed the maximum capacity of a yurt, “Dammit George I told you several yurts, several! This is not the right way to encourage rapport in the geology student core or get with Sharon.”
General Studies
There are some requirements for this major which will take varying amounts of time. Individuals in the general studies major will find them either neat or boring, depending on their interests.
Chemical Engineering
Sign an affidavit devoting three-fourths of your remaining lifeforce to studying the finer points of heat transfer. Tattoo your favorite reduction reaction onto your upper thigh. Select a maximum of four human relationships to maintain. Choose some higher power to beg mercy from. God help you.
Premed
Ability to feign willingness to help with classmate’s homework, only to be “too busy” when the time comes. Dedication to put in hundreds of volunteer hours at a needy children’s hospital. Capability of stabbing fellow colleagues in the back as well as directly up through the gut into the chest cavity. A great love for working with people and understanding their needs. Deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy sufficiently potent to fuel ruthless ambition long enough to finish medical school.