- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Letter to the Editor: Go to Meeting Tonight

By By Nancy S. Lyon, U Assistant Vice President for Government Affairs, By Nancy S. Lyon, U Assistant Vice President for Government Affairs, and By Nancy S. Lyon, U Assistant Vice President for Government Affairs • March 24, 2002

Editor: We encourage all students, faculty, staff, alumni and friends of the U to attend precinct caucus meetings on Monday, March 25 at 7 p.m. In Utah, caucus meetings are an extremely crucial part of the political process. Delegates to the county conventions will be selected to vote on legislative candidates.

Olympic Supplier Makes Donation

March 24, 2002

SALT LAKE CITY?An Olympic supplier is donating $45,000 in string instruments from Olympic ceremonies to Utah school children. The Olympic instruments were provided by Southwest Strings of Tucson, Ariz., to the Utah Symphony, whose members wanted to protect their own instruments from the freezing temperatures of February's Opening and Closing ceremonies.

College Board to Change SAT Test

March 24, 2002

BERKELEY, Calif.?In a move that could affect high school seniors nationwide, the head of the College Board is proposing major changes to the SAT I test. Possible revisions include adding a writing test, dropping or reducing the analogy questions and toughening up the math section, which does not require students to have taken advanced courses such as Algebra II.

New-Age Nostradamus Makes Oscar Picks

By By Panda McCann, Comical Opinion Columnist • March 24, 2002

OK, ladies and germs. It's time for more fantabulously orgasmic predictions by the Sage from Salt Lake, Panda McCann. By the time you read this, the future events I am about to describe will be artifacts of a long-distant past. I am writing this mere hours before the Academy Awards ceremony, predicting exactly what will happen.

Presidential Assistant Bored of Machen’s Pin Collection

By By Pat Churass, Comical News Writer • March 24, 2002

The Olympics and Paralympics are over, but U President Bernie Machen refuses to douse his fire within. Crews removed the Olympic cauldron from its location south of Rice-Eccles Stadium last week. The stadium itself is being transformed into its former grandeur and the fences put up to secure the Games are coming down.

Bush Encourages Free Trade Zone

March 24, 2002

SAN SALVADOR, El Salvador?President Bush promised Sunday to push for free-trade policies for economically strapped Latin America and said the United States "is wide open" to buy foreign goods. Winding up a journey to Mexico, Peru and El Salvador, Bush also pledged to promote immigration policies that link workers from the region with American jobs.

Afghan Security Chief Attacked by Gunmen

March 24, 2002

KABUL, Afghanistan?The governor of an eastern Afghan province demanded U.S. Special Forces hand over several rival Afghan allies who allegedly opened fire Sunday on the region's security chief, killing a bodyguard and wounding two others before reportedly fleeing into an American compound.

At Least 30 Homes Burn in Wildfire

March 24, 2002

ALTO, N.M.?Strong winds on Sunday spread a grass and timber fire that had already burned through at least 30 homes in southern New Mexico, and a second fire spreading from an Indian reservation forced the evacuation of 200 people. Wind gusts of 50 mph carried the fire that burned through homes in the Kokopelli subdivision, in a heavily forested mountain resort where homes are worth up to $1 million.

Violence Threatens Mideast Peacetalk

March 24, 2002

JERUSALEM?Israeli commandos tracked and killed four militants who slipped across the border from Jordan, and six other people were killed in Mideast violence as U.S. envoy Anthony Zinni planned a new round of truce talks Sunday night. Palestinian militants fatally shot an Israeli woman riding a bus in the West Bank on Sunday morning, and Israeli troops pursuing the attackers killed a Palestinian policeman nearby.

U Golf Coach Recruits Anyone Who’s Ever Heard of Golf

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Stupid Sports Editor • March 24, 2002

As the U golf team embarks upon its latest excursion of futility (this time, otherwise known as the Anteater Invitational in Irvine, Calif.), U golf coach Wayne Fisher, apparently tired of witnessing the Barney Fife-like foibles of his existing group of so-called "athletes," is expanding his recruiting base to include "any person who's ever even heard of golf.