- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Allred Quits Basketball Team

By , , , , , and • March 24, 2002

Perhaps perturbed by constant criticism by coach Rick Majerus that the Utah men's basketball team didn't have an inside presence, 6 foot-10 center Lance Allred has asked for and received a release from the U. Allred, a sophomore center from Salt Lake City's nearby East High School, announced in a press release Saturday, "I feel it is best for me at this point in my life and my basketball career to move on and find a place where I feel that I'm able to expand my game and my talents.

Big-Ass Stadium Bleachers to Spring Up Across Campus

By By B to the Izzay • March 24, 2002

Due to an overwhelmingly positive response to the big ass stadium bleachers placed adjacent to Rice-Eccles Stadium on South Campus Drive for the Olympics, U administrators announced Monday that not only could we count on said bleachers to remain intact for generations to come, but that God and parking funds permitting, we should expect many more big ass stadium bleachers to spring up across campus in the months and years ahead.

U Golf Coach Recruits Anyone Who’s Ever Heard of Golf

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Stupid Sports Editor • March 24, 2002

As the U golf team embarks upon its latest excursion of futility (this time, otherwise known as the Anteater Invitational in Irvine, Calif.), U golf coach Wayne Fisher, apparently tired of witnessing the Barney Fife-like foibles of his existing group of so-called "athletes," is expanding his recruiting base to include "any person who's ever even heard of golf.

Violence Threatens Mideast Peacetalk

March 24, 2002

JERUSALEM?Israeli commandos tracked and killed four militants who slipped across the border from Jordan, and six other people were killed in Mideast violence as U.S. envoy Anthony Zinni planned a new round of truce talks Sunday night. Palestinian militants fatally shot an Israeli woman riding a bus in the West Bank on Sunday morning, and Israeli troops pursuing the attackers killed a Palestinian policeman nearby.

At Least 30 Homes Burn in Wildfire

March 24, 2002

ALTO, N.M.?Strong winds on Sunday spread a grass and timber fire that had already burned through at least 30 homes in southern New Mexico, and a second fire spreading from an Indian reservation forced the evacuation of 200 people. Wind gusts of 50 mph carried the fire that burned through homes in the Kokopelli subdivision, in a heavily forested mountain resort where homes are worth up to $1 million.

Afghan Security Chief Attacked by Gunmen

March 24, 2002

KABUL, Afghanistan?The governor of an eastern Afghan province demanded U.S. Special Forces hand over several rival Afghan allies who allegedly opened fire Sunday on the region's security chief, killing a bodyguard and wounding two others before reportedly fleeing into an American compound.

Bush Encourages Free Trade Zone

March 24, 2002

SAN SALVADOR, El Salvador?President Bush promised Sunday to push for free-trade policies for economically strapped Latin America and said the United States "is wide open" to buy foreign goods. Winding up a journey to Mexico, Peru and El Salvador, Bush also pledged to promote immigration policies that link workers from the region with American jobs.

ASUU Candidate to Sue All Other Parties

By By Aurelie Dunn, ASUU Election Correspondent, By Aurelie Dunn, ASUU Election Correspondent, and By Aurelie Dunn, ASUU Election Correspondent • March 24, 2002

While candidates hurriedly prepare for the upcoming ASUU election, it seems another obstacle lies before several of the parties in this year's race: legal battles. Presidential hopeful Steven L. Rinehart of the Probable Cause party, with a claim to fame for suing the U's Parking Services, has now threatened to sue all competition for allegedly "stealing and marketing" his parking platform for the campaign.

Presidential Assistant Bored of Machen’s Pin Collection

By By Pat Churass, Comical News Writer • March 24, 2002

The Olympics and Paralympics are over, but U President Bernie Machen refuses to douse his fire within. Crews removed the Olympic cauldron from its location south of Rice-Eccles Stadium last week. The stadium itself is being transformed into its former grandeur and the fences put up to secure the Games are coming down.

Budget Cuts Made in School Districts

By , , and • March 24, 2002

SALT LAKE CITY?Due to a $41 million dollar splice in the state's public education budget, class sizes will increase, teachers will be cut and some school districts may levy higher taxes. Granite School District, Utah's largest, is looking at cuts in 47 areas and plans to bring class sizes to about 28 students per teacher.