- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Letter to the Editor: Bernie Don’t You Want to See Our Baby?

By By Name Withheld, Junior, Anthropology, By Name Withheld, Junior, Anthropology, and By Name Withheld, Junior, Anthropology • March 31, 2002

Editor: I don't know if this is the right time or place for this. But I just can't take it any longer. He won't return my phone calls or respond to my emails. Maybe this will get his attention and let him know how much we want to be a family. Bernie, don't you want to meet our baby? I know our love affair was a one-time thing and that as president of the university a love tryst with a student wouldn't look good, but I also know that deep within that capacious, autocratic chest of yours beats the heart of a dear, loving man.

Letter to the Editor: ASUU Candidates Are All Way Qualified

By By Sally-Joe Jenson, ASUU Public Relations, By Sally-Joe Jenson, ASUU Public Relations, and By Sally-Joe Jenson, ASUU Public Relations • March 31, 2002

Editor: My name is Sally-Joe Jenson, and I'm in charge of student government public relations. I'd just like to start off by saying that this year's candidates are way qualified, sometimes they even use five letter words that nobody knows what they mean, except for those people over at The Comical.

Letter to the Editor: Stop Making Fun of Me

By By Jo Mama, By Jo Mama, and By Jo Mama • March 31, 2002

Editor: Honey, this is Jo Mama speaking. I know you told me not to try and contact you when you are at work, but I have to tell you something. Jo Papa and I think that things have gone too far. I can't even go to the grocery store without someone recognizing me because of your jokes.

The Chronicle’s View: We Got Facts Right… We’re Sorry

By , , and • March 31, 2002

The Comical owes the entire campus a heartfelt apology. Infrequently do we, the newspaper staff of the U, ever say we are sorry. Normally, that's because we aren't. But in this case, we feel deeply troubled by what appeared in our Friday edition?facts. The Comical strives fervently to rid our news stories of any semblance of truth.

Police Report: Students for Choice Left Unharassed

By By Rupert Fancipants and Frederique Hairless, Comical Weisenheimers • March 31, 2002

Staffers of Pro Choice booth not hassled?Students for Choice, the on-campus abortion-rights activist group, came to the U Police Department complaining that no one had hassled them Thursday. Typically setting up booths outside the Union two to four times per week, Students for Choice members are usually harassed by passers by.

Letter to the Editor: If Mitt Romney Verbally Abused You, Call Us

By By Bill and Phil Zabraki, By Bill and Phil Zabraki, and By Bill and Phil Zabraki • March 31, 2002

Editor: This letter is an invitation for U students to join a class action lawsuit organized by the law firm of Zabraki and Zabraki against former Salt Lake Organizing Committee CEO Mitt Romney. As many Utahns are aware, a well-publicized report accused Mr.

Porno-Sex Addict Rocks U!

By By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief, By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief, and By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief • March 31, 2002

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Write-in Favorite ASUU Sucks Wins By a Landslide

By By Sally Vacuum, Comical News Writer • March 31, 2002

In a surprising turn of events, write-in candidate ASUU Sucks won the final elections for student office. Hot sex naked nude, another successful write-in candidate, will become vice president of the organization. Sucks and nude will take over the Associated Students of the University of Utah in May.

Supervillain Robot Seizes EMCB

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Weisenheimer • March 31, 2002

Illustrating the tragic unreadiness of on-campus anti-robot efforts, a robotic supervillain seized the Engineering and Mines Classroom Building. Accompanied by cybernetic og-cart driving Marxists, Polish Roboticus and his sidekick Aluminum Titan swept into the classroom building late Sunday.

Liberate Your Brain With The U Fight Club

By By Panda McCann • March 31, 2002

You know that annoying kid who asks all the questions in class? The dude who cost you an A by scoring 100 and blowing the curve? Ever wish you could give him an enema with a firehose? Don't lie, I know you've thought it. Or what about the professor who always calls you out in front of class for slipping Jack Daniels into your coffee mug and then falling asleep? The teacher who embarrasses you for never completing the assigned reading? Ever wish you could take just one good swing at her with a folding chair? Don't deny the urge to pummel your academic enemies, lest you snap one day and do something violent.