- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Gunmen Kill 4 at U.S. Government Center

January 22, 2002

CALCUTTA, India?Heavily armed gunmen killed four Indian police officers Tuesday at a U.S. government cultural center, and Indian officials called the slayings a "terrorist attack," saying a Pakistan based Islamic militant group claimed responsibility. Eighteen officers, one pedestrian and one private security guard were wounded, said state Home Secretary Amit Kiran Deb.

Gunman Wounds 8 At Local Bus Stop

January 22, 2002

JERUSALEM?A Palestinian gunman opened fire with an assault rifle on Israelis waiting for a bus on a busy downtown street Tuesday, wounding eight before he was shot dead by police, officials said. The attack came hours after Israeli commandos raided a Hamas hide-out and explosives lab in the West Bank town of Nablus, killing four members of the Islamic militant group.

Snow Football?Is There Anything Better?

January 22, 2002

You will often hear a commentator at a football game call sunny weather, no wind and warm temperatures a "perfect day for football!" With all due respect, I disagree. I love watching football games in a different setting?with six inches of snow on the ground.

U Student Casts the University in Film Epic

By By Chris Kirchgasler, By Chris Kirchgasler, and By Chris Kirchgasler • January 22, 2002

University of Utah film student, Sark Rickles, has a dream: "I want to make the next 'Star Wars,' but without all those Ewoks or fucking Jar Jar. I mean, c'mon George, what were you thinking?" Such are the hopes of today's up-and-coming sci-fi directors, most of whom?despite being deluded into thinking "Babylon 5" was well written, and that the Warshawski brothers have artistic vision?still consider topping Lucas' granddaddy of epics with their own rip-off "saga" the ultimate geek goal.

Quote of the Day

By , , , , , and • January 22, 2002

"It was constant fear because you really didn't know whether you were going to be alive the next second."

No Seconds for Majerus?

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Italian Food Editor • January 22, 2002

Hell has frozen over. Pigs have flown. And Karl Malone spoke of himself without using the third person. While such events have not truly transpired, another occurrence that once seemed to be on equal footing in terms of impossibility actually has happened.

Man With Scissors, Headless Legislator and Frozen Meat Wielding Perpetrators Prove Olympic Insecurity

By By Hadassa Mctavish, Comical Opinion Editor, By Hadassa Mctavish, Comical Opinion Editor, and By Hadassa Mctavish, Comical Opinion Editor • January 22, 2002

In a surprising breech of security last week, Olympic Village volunteers admitted into the area a man with scissors, a headless woman with a concealed weapon and a suspicious looking woman armed with frozen meat products. Though they turned out to be the Village barber (Youhaav Splitendds), a visiting legislator (Ivana ScrooUover) and a McDonald's employee (Patty Mcflurry), the Salt Lake Organizing Committee considered the invasion a chance to re-think Village security.

New Cell-Phone Standard of Excellence Set

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical News Editor, By Rupert Fancipants, Comical News Editor, and By Rupert Fancipants, Comical News Editor • January 22, 2002

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Olympic Flame Extinguished, Relay to Start Again

By By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief • January 22, 2002

The Olympic Flame went out yesterday and all of the blame rests on the shoulders of Billy Thompson. Thompson is a six-year-old cancer survivor who spends his time helping the elderly. He recently won the Pulitzer Prize for his book "Cancer Sucks, But I Like Old People.

Athlete Lights The Fire Within?Literally

By By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief • January 22, 2002

A tummy ache will keep Joey Bumperton out of the Olympics. More accurately, a charred esophagus and stomach will force Bumperton out of the Super G competition. The world renowned athlete suffered the burns when he swallowed a match in an attempt to "light the fire within.