Bling-Bling Goldsmith
Chronic Staff Writer
Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
Highway Patrol officers reported finding a high-ranking government official who had apparently driven his country into a ditch in rural Texas. According to the officers, the man, who would only identify himself as “Dubya,” was ranting about the state of the union and the drunken state of his daughters while intermittently yelling, “I am the king of the world.”
Machen packs heat-U President Bernie Machen was cited for allegedly brandishing a gun in the Park Building. Witnesses said he was heard saying, “Enough of these budget cuts, I’m gonna bust a cap in someone’s ass.”
Vaseline bandit gets the rub in library computer lab-Police apprehended a man in the Marriott Library last night after library patrons complained that the man was downloading pornography at his computer station. The man was caught with his pants down, so to speak, and a jar of vaseline. Police have not yet released the name of the man, but he looks a whole lot like this tall dude named Jeremy Harmon. I heard he works at The Chronic’s rival paper, The Daily Utah Chronicle. He’s like in charge or something.
Honor code violation-A U student was found guilty of an alcohol-related honor code violation. Nobody cares and the student was released.
Clepto athlete gets pinched-Members of the U baseball team were arrested Friday for alleged stealing bases at Franklin Covey Field. When the police realized this was a perfectly normal thing to do, they apologized and let the players go.
U administration conducts study on police officer IQ-Following the base-stealing incident, U officials decided they better make sure they were giving badges to qualified people. One police officer responded by saying, “Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges.”
Police called to Greek Row disturbance-Police responded to a call that something was wrong on Greek Row. Neighbors were complaining that it was quiet, too quiet, and that something must be wrong. Police discovered that the lack of noise came as a direct result of Spring Break. Nobody was home. They were all on vacation.