Security Guards Sick of Media Not Recognizing Their Authorit

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Quasi Baqued

Chronic Staff Writer

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

U Hospital Security Guards are the unsung heroes of the U Health Services Center.

Although they’re critical members of the staff, they’re rarely recognized for the part they play in providing quality service to the patients.

“A lot of people think that being a security officer would be really boring, but it really isn’t,” said Rudolph Santa, the senior member of the security staff. “I mean, I get to meet a lot of interesting people. One time, Marie Osmond came in here to visit someone. Can you believe that? Marie Osmond!”

According to Gordy Smith, they rarely get the respect they deserve.

“It really bothers me when people call us ‘security guards.’ We’re highly trained and very experienced security officers. I hate it when kids from The Chronic called us guards! Come on, if you’re gonna work for the press, you better do your research,” said Smith, hospital security guard.

“The best thing about this job is that it never gets dull,” explained Cliff Jackson. “The nutcases are my favorite. Sometimes there’ll be two nut jobs in rooms adjacent to each other and they’ll both be talking to themselves. I like to go stand in between the two rooms and it’s like crazy in stereo. If I stand there long enough, I start to think kind of funny. It’s a real trip.”

Despite the solidarity between them, security officers are a very diverse group of individuals.

“Some of my colleagues get a kick out of the crazy patients. I don’t see what’s so funny about getting bit and sworn at. Some of them can be really combative. I can handle anything, but when they call me ‘bacon bits’ it really tries my patience. Bacon bits-where do they pick that up from? I mean, so what if I’m not a cop yet. Everyone has got to start somewhere. No one makes fun of premed students just because they’re not doctors yet. But if an aspiring cop starts out as a security officer, everyone’s gotta make a joke. And it’s such a stereotype. A lot of my colleagues don’t have any interest in joining the force, quite a few want to be firefighters,” said Biff Henderson.

“I actually like to be vomited on. I know that sounds funny, and it’s not the vomit that I like, but it really takes me back to high school, in so many ways. Whenever I’m holding someone down for a doctor or a nurse and get vomited on, I realize that if it wasn’t me, it would have been the doctor. It takes me back to the football field playing tight end, when I had to take one for the team. I take security really, really seriously. I see a lot of parallels between football and working here,” said Dusty Roberts, the newest member of the security staff.

Many of the security officers regret the fact that many patients don’t show them the respect they deserve.

“Sometimes people in the ER get really mad when we can’t let them in to see their relatives,” explained Beau Hailey, Emergency Room Security Specialist. “They often start swearing at us. How stupid is that? Don’t they realize that we could ‘affect’ their treatment? A doctor could come out and tell them their mother has been ‘lost.’ They’d start bawling because they think that means dead, and the doctor would say, ‘No I mean literally lost. We don’t know what happened. You can fill out a lost property form with one of our security officers, though.’ Then we’d buy the doctor doughnuts and have a good laugh.”

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