Today, I surrender to the utter convenience of affixing all blame to a single phenomenon. I look at many of the world’s problems and assign all culpability to the insecurity of our gods.

I see plenty of trouble stemming from the average deity’s disdain for competition of any kind.

A point of contention in Alabama’s ruckus over a courthouse display of the Ten Commandments stemmed from their first few rules. Godly demands to swear off graven images and to disavow all other gods trashed claims that the Judeo-Christian bylaws simply state legal principles.

Fundamentalist warriors hell-bent on proving Allah’s supremacy and destroying his perceived enemies see offing non-believers as a religious duty. Western modernity and all of its trappings present far too many false-but tempting-idols. There is only one God, Allah, and they say He condones killing those unwilling to accept Him as such.

Please be aware that I am not a student of the world’s religions. Nor do I plan on extending this debate beyond today. You zealots can hold off on the e-mails while taking solace in the fact that I am hell-bound. Most of my knowledge of the globe’s many faiths came from 11th grade catechism (basically Catholic Sunday school). I learned the diversity of beliefs within our global village and that, unfortunately, everyone but Catholics were damned for eternity.

I also learned of poor little Yahweh’s tiff with Satan. The dark lord teased God that humans did not really love Him. As soon as things got tough, humans would go looking for a fair-weather divinity. God, so infinite, yet so lacking in confidence, failed to ignore Satan and instead countered with an “Oh, yeah? I’ll show how smart you are, Mr. Soon-to-be-Fallen Angel.”

God let Satan tear into a wealthy and God-fearing man named Job. Satan, with God’s cooperation, slew Job’s livestock, killed his family and left him friendless and riddled with sores. Job’s faith persevered and the Lord awarded him with 10 children to replace the dead ones.

I learned a powerful lesson from the story of Job. God is an insecure jerk. While we need to be humble as heck, He requires constant compliments. I liken it to my hurt feelings when no one notices my new haircut or my recently cleaned apartment. So, let me be the first to say, “Wow, God. Did You make this whole universe all by Yourself? Such a good universe. Oh, and look at the neat jellyfish!” (Please note how I didn’t besmirch Your pronouns.)

Allah also needs humans to show how much they love Him or they get nowhere near the Garden of Bliss. Everybody faces adversity; there is no karmic justice until paradise in the afterlife. As for the final reward, we just need to trust that ancient authors knew what they were talking about.

Don’t think I’m letting you off the hook, Lord Krishna. Even in the polytheistic world of Hinduism, Krishna claims that those praying to others are actually praying to Him.

I bring all this up because gods lead by example. Insecurity and a penchant for punishment rub off on the rest of society. We wind up in an environment of mean-spirited exclusion. I am doomed because I dare say, “I’m not sure yet.” While some practitioners of the aforementioned faiths will pray for me, others will curse my name. Does your faith truly inspire your seething anger? I am simply saddened by man’s (and these truly are paternal, macho faiths) attempts to explain why we exist, making our existence so difficult.

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