You don’t know me! What’s my Calendar?

Nov. 16TuesdayThe generation to which both you and Calendar belong is a messed-up operation. We’re passive aggressive, attention-deficient, angry patriots. And we couldn’t be happier!Er, at least some of us couldn’t be happier-then there’s that whole dark and moody screamo thing. Those kids aren’t happy. Why not? Well, it probably has something to do with testicular constriction as a result of wearing inoperably tight jeans. Calendar would be grumpy and prone to compulsive black hair-dying too if our pants were cutting off circulation to our…

Damageplan! Man, you thought we were going to say something lude or lascivious, huh? Nope, just gonna toss in a token longhaired agro-metal band name and be done with it. Guess what else-the word ‘gullible’ is written on the ceiling above you. Right there. Look!Sucker.But really, Damageplan and all the post-Pantera, trailer-park glory the name implies, plan to bring down the ax on Lo-Fi Caf (127 S. West Temple) tonight for $25 with Shadows Fall and The Haunted. Does anyone else feel like these guys could use some sunshine in their lives? Dude, you’re in a band-one word: groupies. Even crappy bands have them, so cheer up, champ. Life could be worse.

Like if you were a microscopic particle. That’d totally suck, you’re primary natural predator would be a vacuum cleaner. However, if you were to name your band after such a particle, you might suffer somewhat less tragic of a fate than your actual-particle counterparts-you are, after all, humans, and vacuum cleaners have nothing on you.Don’t believe Calendar? Head up the canyon tonight and check out Particle at Suede (1612 Ute. Blvd) as the members of the band attempt to prove that no amount of suckage can stop them from rocking the stage. Tickets are $15.

In the list of technological wonders that have been seen in movies, but never realized in life, there are some standout examples: The hoverboard, artificial intelligence, anything cool happening on Mars (seriously, that place is so lame) and extraordinarily long lives. Come on, how cool would it be to work for 130 years only to suffer the slings and arrows of disrespectful great-grandchildren?Yeah, we don’t know either. Calendar is planning to live to be 33-good enough for Jesus, good enough for us. But that Robin Williams, well, he’s a different story. That’s the man to ask about outliving your time-we’re talking about his role in “Bicentennial Man” (which plays tonight in the Union Theatre at 6 p.m. for free), not his career. Honestly. We loved “One Hour Photo.” What a dramatist!

Speaking of dramatic high-arts, want an opportunity to score much-needed scholastic brownie points while enjoying the fruits of cultured minds? Good. Have a look-see at the Utah Museum of Fine Arts, which today premiers the new Art faculty Exhibition, which is essentially just what it sounds like-art by art teachers. Seems reasonable to Calendar. Come walk to U’s artistic edge beginning at 1:30 p.m. today and running until Dec. 17.

So here’s a really noble idea that could use a little rock and roll historical edification: It’s the Great American Smoke Out, and it’s a prime example of mortal irony.

Check it out-the idea is to bring a friend out and help them quit smoking. Cool. Smoking is gross and it kills you. Good enough for us. But here’s the kicker: When you get your friend to make a pledge of nicotine-free, you get a turkey sandwich. And, while lunch sandwiches are well and good, they have a troubling rock legacy-can anyone say Mama Cass? Sure, the kids will quit smoking, but how many are going to die at the hands of a sinister sandwich!? Come watch the inevitable carnage on the Union Patio from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Then, because healthy and sober defense mechanisms are emotional draining, save yourself the effort of coping with the horrors of what you’ve just seen by handling your shock and awe in the most American of ways-drowning them in the bottom of a bottle. Cheers to You can help you cope with $1 drafts all night long. God bless America. We’re getting all weepy-eyed just thinking about those amber waves of…beer. Sniffle. Tear.