Feb. 7MondaySo, as they say, there’s a first time for everything: a first kiss, a first hangover, a first visit to the zoo and a first time getting kicked out of a “party.” However, instead of being bitter and resentful toward Tommy Tough-Nuts and his anti-Calendar crew, we’re going to be the bigger Calendar and just say “Thank you.” Thank you, Tommy, for kicking Calendar out of your awesome (cough, cough) party this weekend. Thank you for being an irrational sociopath. Thank you for smelling like a long-forgotten keg.

This is a first for us, and now we have a great story to start our Monday with. It’s about how some big hairball-of-a-man didn’t get down with Calendar’s cool. So we took your sauce, your girls and your party with us when we rolled-that’s how we do-deal with it.

Attackers beware-come at us again, and we’ll have to bust out some Matisyahu on you. The ancient art of summoning dragons, demons and drink-umbrellas to wreck havoc on those who can’t get down is coming to Shaggy’s Velvet Room (155 W. 200 South) at 7:30 p.m. tonight. Mess with him and you too shall be struck down for your froo-froo-drinking ways. Actually: we’re lying. The truth is just so, so much better on this one: Matisyahu is a Hasidic-Jew who does reggae. Tickets are $10. Dude’s bris must’ve been one hell of a sesh. 21 and up, please-a Bar Mitzvah just won’t be good enough to get you into this one, Shlomo. L’chayim.

Every seven years, a new tribe of rabbits will arise in an attempt to Darwinize the other rabbit tribes out of existence. You think you know how they came up with the “Easter” Bunny? You don’t-at least until you’ve seen a pack of cuddly “bunny” rabbits resurrect and consequently eat one of their own. Hey-they don’t call it natural selection for nothing, Doc. 7 Year Rabbit Cycle will be doing some weirdo indie rock deal involving ritual sacrifice that Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) has become vaguely synonymous with tonight at 7 p.m. Tickets are $7 at the door.

Just what is a band with a name like Suffocation (and another one named Behemoth) doing at a place like Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) tonight at 8 p.m. Hints: studded belts, black-on-black and a five-letter plural used to describe construction utilities that rhymes with “pools.” Figure it out. Tickets are $18 from 24tix.com.

Biggie knew exactly what he was talking about: mo’ money, mo’ problems. Ever since we hit it big, groupies have been trying to jack Calendar’s chains and Xzibit’s been trying to pimp our ride. What’s up with that? Purple vinyl?! We said Magenta, you washed-out scrub! Behind The Music: The Notorious B.I.G. is on VH1 tonight at 7 p.m. Hey, at least it’s better than that show about Flavor Flav trying to choose between his giant neck-clock and Cyndi Lauper. We’d go “Clock.”

Also: there was this one time when MTV Cribs came to our pad-they ended up getting lost in the Grotto and we stole all that footage of Snoop’s private “bomb shelter”…If by “bomb” you mean “incredible by measure of size, color and sheer potency” and by “shelter” you mean “greenhouse,” that is. There’s a new episode of MTV Cribs tonight on MTV at 11 p.m.

As you read this, there are people wasting their lives away somewhere in Salt Lake City, drowning their sorrows in booze so you don’t have to. Kind of like dying for the sins of others who haven’t yet lived! (Matyrdom? Brilliant!) Piper Down (1492 S. State St.) is what typically happens whenever a certain sports-staffer gets near a certain Green Label, but tonight it’s a bar fully-stocked with Irish Session Music. Brilliant! (Brilliant!)

When Cabana Club (31 E. 400 South) calls their Mondays “Classy Piano Mondays,” it’s probably a good indication that their damned Baby-Grand who keeps “goosing” peoples’ asses has been laid to rest until Thursday night.

Or that they sent it over to Port O’ Call (400 S. West Temple) to binge this week’s paycheck on their Monday night $2.50 “Big Ass Mug O’ Beer” special.

But knowing that 88-keyed sleazy speed-junkie, he’ll probably be over trying to score a “date” with Aspen Reign, the current title-holder for “Miss Nude International ’99,” “Miss Nude World ’03,” and “Exotic Dancer: Entertainer of the Year ’03” who’s appearing tonight at Trails (921 S. 300 West). Fact: the piano is drunk again. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.