Dear Danni,
My buddy broke up with this chick a month ago, and I thought she was always cool-even after they broke up. I kept running into her at the library and wherever, so she said to call her sometime.
I did, and we’ve been hanging out all weekend. I know if I asked my buddy, he would act like it’s no big deal. But still, I don’t know. The whole “bros before hoes thing” makes me think it’s not too cool to be hanging out with her.
Thing is, I dig her, Danni. Do I let it go, or what?
Dear “Sloppy Seconds,”
Ah yes, the tumultuous trial and error of social etiquette-when to pursue, and when to cut your losses. Not to mention adding the third element of a close friend’s feelings into the mix.
Sounds like something off of “The O.C.,” but with much less fashionable clothing.
The first order of business is to honestly and objectively evaluate your romantic interests toward this girl. Is your attraction due to the fact she has been previously “off limits” or is it that you genuinely like her?
That being answered, you need to then evaluate the level of open communication you currently have with your buddy. Regardless of how you assume he may act, you must extend to him the courtesy, as well as the opportunity, to respond however he chooses to.
I’ve said this before, and it applies here as well: No relationship founded on lies and deceit will ever have a chance in hell of surviving. Never.
Having said that, I consulted a counselor at the U (who choose to remain nameless) who advised me that if there is an element of history between a couple regarding a mutual friend or acquaintance, there will always be tension and mistrust. This is especially true if that history is of a sexual nature.
It draws off of insecurity, lingering emotion and raw jealousy. It takes much work and two willing parties to overcome this obstacle
Didn’t you see the movie “Closer”?
This film depicts in fantastic detail the realities of what it’s like to sleep with someone who has slept with your ex-, or his ex-, or whatever. It can drive a person insane.
What I’m hearing from you is that you think you’re trying to look out for your friend-noble, but cut the crap.
You’ve already got her number and hung out with her, so obviously you weren’t too worried about what your buddy was going to say.
Not to throw you even further, but consider that perhaps you didn’t count on the fact that this girl may be using you to make your buddy (her ex-) jealous.
It might sound tragic, but it is totally possible. I’m a woman, I know this: We don’t just get mad, we get even.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, so best to take things slow.
My advice is that if all she wants to do it talk about your buddy, hang out at your place on the off chance she may run into him, naked in your Van Halen T- shirt, then maybe you should take the hint.
However, if you guys are holding hands and running through sunflower fields singing “Everything Is Beautiful,” then maybe your situation is a great example of life’s ironic side.
Just remember that good friends are hard to find, and love-interests will always be there, so make sure you’re thinking straight when you are making your decision.