Getting U wet: U lifts dry-campus status for first time in illustrious 105-year history

By By Fookmiam Sauzed

By Fookmiam Sauzed

In a desperate attempt to competewith increasing outgoing transferrates and plummeting freshmen enrollment,the Academic Senate rati-fied an amendment Thursday morningto lift the U’s 105-year-old ban onthe consumption or possession ofalcohol on campus.The Academic Senate released apublic statement to all students andfaculty immediately afterward, notingthat the change in policy hasnothing to do with the depletingprestige of U athletics pending thedeparture of several key membersnext season.”Smith: gone. Urban: gone. Bogut:gone, but it’s not like that [explicativedeleted] 8-foot marsupial didmuch for the ’cause’ anyway,” a clearlyinebriated U President Michael K.Young explained to “my gangsters,my [explicative deleted]’s” at a pressconference outside his office Thursdayevening.”But seriously, but seriously,” PresidentYoung continued, “what else dowe have? We made a laser that killscolon cancer in Zebra Fish-great,now we can compete with Oxford. How ’bout you get a laser to bring back that lardass [former U men’s basketball coach] Majerus? And now we’ve got some brown kid, that Ali-Baba Hussein running ASSU, or whatever they call it…” he trailed off, in reference to newly elected ASUU President Ali Hasnain. “This place is going to the dogs,” raged a belligerent President Young.”We had to set the ‘sauce’ free to bring the brats back in. Babcock Theatre murdering ‘Cats’ won’t pay for a new set of spinners,” he explained. President Young then produced from below his podium a “bling” encrusted goblet filled with what he referred to as “Purple Panty Dropper,” before taking a drink and handing it to an assistant. “Did I just say ‘Babcock?’ That’s just great. Whoever named that place keeps their tenure. Hold my drink [explitive deleted]. Damn, I’m faded,” Young announced from his podium before stumbling back into his office and re-emerging with a lampshade on his head. Reactions to the amendment from U students and faculty are varied, but if the scene yesterday at U-student favored eatery B&D Burgers (222 S. 1500 East) was any indication, people are mostly pleased with the change. A place normally famed for their fry sauce, B&D Burgers is doing great business in another kind of ‘sauce’ these days. “I’m a Beta-Beta for life, man,” slurred a plastered Chad “The Chiz” McGanahan, a freshman, sipping on one of B&D’s Chocolate-Banana-Whiskey shakes. “And theresh this one, this one time when I came to colleejde, and I was inshiashed asa Beta-Beta! Woo!-and they made me drink a whole dogbowl of Popoff [Vodka]…” McGanahan interrupted his speech by puking in a nearby trashcan, then continuing nonchalantly “and then they made me do it with this donkey. In the hot tub,” he laughed. “The hot tub! So thissish nothing new!”[email protected]

Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.