New ASUU pres, VP to hire only bodacious blondes

By By Pinky Hefner

By Pinky Hefner

Future student government leadershave decided only to hire “hotblondes” to work in their new administration.”Brunettes, please do not apply,”said Ali Hasnain, president elect.”You’re too ugly for our administration.I recommend going out for thesoftball team or something.”During the elections, Hasnainand Vice President-elect John Poelmanclaimed that they would putstudents first.”We weren’t lying when we saidthat we were going to put studentsfirst. We just were never specific inwhich students we would put first.We decided to start with the beautifulblondes of the campus,” Poelmansaid.Hasnain’s and Poelman’s vision isto put together a group of studentsthat no man could say no to.”Think about it. Beautiful blondesalways get their way. As ASUU leaders,we’ll be able to get anything weask for,” Hasnain said. “No one willsay no to this administration. Noone.”Tori Edwards, cheerleader captainand future chief of staff, has excitingideas for her new role.”It’ll be, like, so much fun. Like, Iwant to start this new thing whereonly girls that weigh less than, like,120 pounds will be allowed to participatein activities, just like thecheerleading squad,” Edwards said.”A weight requirement is, like, totallythe way to go.”To accomplish her goals, Edwards will implement monthly weigh-ins. Tyson Sharp, leader of the Political Perverts, said, “The new administration is ahead of its time. The leaders’ vision is better than a wet dream.”Members of the “All Women Are Beautiful” (AMOB) club, also known as the “woman’s softball team,” plan to protest the actions of their future student government. “It is an outrage that they would do such a thing,” said Bryanne Durrence, catcher and president of AMOB. “They will burn in hell for this.”Satan could not be reached for comment as to whether a burning would actually take place.Hasnain, Poelman and Edwards have plans to dismantle existing committees within ASUU to make room for their new ones, like the Birthday Suit Recruit to help entice student athletes to sign with the U. “The girls and I are willing to do anything to make the U better,” Edwards said. “How do you think we got Andrew Bogut to sign? We had to show him our facilities.”[email protected]

Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle’s annual April Fool’s Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical…in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don’t call your lawyers.