Wed., May 18
A long time ago, in a high school far, far away, a young Padawan events listing named Calendar anxiously awaited the release of “Star Wars: Episode I.”
“Double-sided light-sabers!” young Calendar exclaimed with geeky glee, readjusting our pocket-protector for maximum lameness. “The force will be strong with this film, we can feel it.”
Sadly, one Jar Jar Binks, a handful of dead aliens and about two hours of totally useless digital effects later, Calendar walked out of the theater a darker, more resentful creature.
We had been betrayed by Star Wars and we vowed not to rest until we got even with that rotund little bearded Ewok of its inception, George Lucas.
“I can’t believe he let us down like this,” Calendar said with a Sith-like hiss. “Such insult will not be forgotten! Lucas, you pile of steaming Wookiee-dung, you will rue the day you made such an awful film! Revenge will be Calendar’s!”
Sadly, revenge was not ours-as it turns out, Skywalker ranch is fortified about as heavily as The Emperor’s personal chamber. Calendar is tough, and our saber-skills are largely unparalleled, but Lucas’ guard dogs had sharp teeth…and spit bees! Bees we tell you! There was nothing we could do.
Well, today Calendar’s truncated quest for vengeance comes to an end-half a decade after the horrors of the first film and two years after its equally-crappy successor, the end is finally near.
Come wait in line with Calendar-we’ll be the events listing dressed up like Yoda, or maybe that weird Jedi with the cone-head-to witness the fall of the of the Republic and rejoice as Darth Vader is brought to life as “Episode III: Revenge of the Sith” opens everywhere a little after midnight.
P.S.-Calendar has already seen the flick (perks of being a wall Calendar, suckas), and, yes, it does suck much, much less than its forbearers. Fans of severed limbs and lava will not be disappointed (insert severe geek-out moment, followed by seizure, here).
Um, and, apparently some other stuff is happening tonight and tomorrow, as well-but it’s not like anyone is going to do anything but see “Star Wars” over and over and over and over again until they vomit, anyway, so what’s the point? Not anyone we want to know, that is…
But then again, maybe we’re wrong. Oh wait, never mind-Calendar? Wrong? Psssh. Not gonna happen.
Blues Bandits plays the Bayou (645 S. State) at 8 p.m. for $12.
The Street plays the Velvet Room (155 W. 200 South) at 9:30 p.m. for $5.
Caribou plays Ego’s (668 S. State) at 8 p.m. for $5.
Why? Plays Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) at 7 p.m. Tickets at the door.
Thurs., May 19
Rune plays The Velvet Room (155 S. 200 West) at 9:30 p.m. for $5
Zion I plays Lo-Fi Caf (127 S. West Temple) at 7 p.m. Tickets at the door.
Form of Rocket plays Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) at 7 p.m. Tickets at the door.