Dearest Calendar,

Whilst perusing the business weeklies, it recently came to my attention that your parent company-Westwood Balls and Gags-has, as of Jan. 9, been bought out by Mel Gibson’s Hullabajew Corporation International.

Imagine my profound grief! The thought of that sanctimonious loon censoring your brilliant and thought-provoking diatribes made me shudder. It made me quack. It made me cold, and I felt the need to rub myself to generate warmth, in a fashion similar to Aladdin’s rubbing of that genie’s lamp, tonight at the Academy of Performing Arts (3188 S. 400 East) at 7:30 p.m. Tickets at the door.

My concern is this: Will the neo-con leanings of Mr. “You can take my sanity, but you can never take…my arbitrary Hollywood influence!” affect Calendar’s creativity? If so, could you please mail me a single bullet in a standard-size envelope?

Just wanted to let you know,

Ruth Goldberg Weinbergenstein

Professional Kvetcher

“Dear Ruth,” tonight at Hale Center Theater (225 W. 400 North, Orem). More information at 801-226-8600

It is true. Calendar’s been bought out.

What this means is still unclear. Our new boss, Mr. Gibson-or, as he insists we address him, Mr. Goddy God-God Holy-Holy Hallelujah-has sequestered himself in his “Office Of Eternal Freakishness” and refuses to answer questions from sources other than Jesus, God and/or The Holy Ghost.

Hopefully our gold-standard journalism will remain unchanged, if abridged. However, if you fail to hear back from Calendar in the next week, please send lawyers, guns and money.

The s*** has hit the fan,

C to the Alendar

Editor’s Note: All letters are satirically fabricated.