Whew, What a year!

By Chronicle Senior Staff

We know that the last thing you want to do while studying for finals is read our stale opinion, so in lieu of a banal argument, here is a fun time-waster to keep you entertained during breaks from all-nighters. Enjoy!

University of Utah President Michael Young was having a(n) _________(Adjective) day. He had just received an e-mail saying that football coach Kyle Whittingham had something urgent to tell him. On his way over to the football offices, Young tripped on a _________(Noun) and broke his _________ (Part of the anatomy).

“Ouch!” said the president. “If only I had spent money on the campus instead of using $_________(Number)-worth of ASUU funds to go to _________(Exotic country)!”

Luckily for Young, Ali Hasnain happened to be driving by in his _________(vehicle) on the campus sidewalk, taking full advantage of his _______(Letter of the alphabet)parking pass.

“Get in, Mr. President,” Hasnain said. “I haven’t been so excited since I fantasized about taking _________(Celebrity) to my high-school prom!”

Hasnain was so amped to be driving the president that he didn’t pay attention to where he was going and rammed right into _________(U Building).

“You stupid kid!” Young said. “Now I’ve wrinkled my favorite _________(Piece of clothing). That was given to me by _________(Republican Politician) at a banquet I went to in _________(Foreign city)!”

Hasnain was so embarrassed that he pulled out a _________(Noun) and tried to beat himself to death with it. But before he could finish the job, he noticed U quarterback Brian Johnson choking on a _________(Kind of food). Ali leapt to action and performed the Heimlich Maneuver. Johnson’s life was saved, but in all the commotion, President Young stepped on Brian’s ________(Part of the body) and snapped it clean off.

“Hah! Take that,” Young said. “I’m a closet Brett Ratliff fan! He’s much more _________(Adjective) than you, and his cute face reminds me of _________(Celebrity).”

Surprisingly, Johnson didn’t mind. “It’s OK,” the quarterback said _________(Adverb). “I’m just so glad I don’t have to eat that nasty Chartwells food I was choking on. It tasted like ________(Adjective) _________(Noun).”

Young then realized he was late for his meeting with Whittingham. He pulled out his trusty _________(Animal) signal and shined it into the sky.

_________(Number) seconds later, Chronicle Editor in Chief Steve Gehrke arrived in his money-laundering-funded _________(Vehicle), running over a _________(Animal) in the process.

“Don’t worry about the roadkill, Mike,” Steve said. “We’ll just blame it on _________(Campus club or group) in the paper, and it will go away.”

Gehrke and Young _________(Adverb) went to the football offices, where Whittingham was waiting outside with a _________(Adjective) look on his face.

“President Young,” Whittingham said. “I’m very _________(Adjective) to see you. You promised me $_________(Number) to give the football players new _________(Plural noun) and I haven’t seen one dime!”

Young got down on his _________(Part of the body) and pleaded with his boss.

“I’m sorry coach. You see, the legislators are such _________(Plural noun). They wanted me to give money to the _________(Subject in school) department.”

Whittingham was _________(Emotion). As punishment, he forced Young to _________(Adverb) scrub the Fiesta Bowl trophy with a _________(Noun) until it shone like a _________(Noun).

The next day in The Chronicle, there was no mention of the previous day’s incidents, only news that ASUU was _________(Adjective) for hiring a _________(Number)-year-old student to head up a minor campus organization.