Horoscopes

By By The Guru

By The Guru

Aries (21 March to 20 April)

Have you ever had one of those nights when you just want to put on that oversized T-shirt you got free from the chiropractor’s clinic and eat an entire pint of ice cream… with waffles? I suggest you take a cue from Gilbert Grape’s mother and shut yourself in for the better part of early September. It’s not until later this month you’ll have worked through enough of your emotional baggage to venture into public. So, enjoy your personal time, go easy on the Hot Pockets, and you’ll be ready to emerge from your emotional sabbatical recharged…if not a bit paler.

Taurus (21 April to 20 May)

This month challenges you to focus on the nitty gritty details, just as your life seems to become chaotic. To reach this tricky equilibrium, may I suggest a mental metaphor? Imagine your life is a tastefully furnished apartment. Now fill it with two well-meaning tenants. One of which has obsessive compulsive disorder, the other is an obsessive hoarder. Now sit back and enjoy the ride. It will be like “The Odd Couple,” only not funny…and the only mail you receive are therapy bills.

Gemini (21 May to 20 June)

Responsibility is not one of your worries this month. I suggest you take advantage of your excused absences and play ultimate Frisbee in Liberty Park with the rest of the dirty hippies. But don’t overindulge. Remember, that guy in the VW van seems cool now…but he’ll sell your kidneys if he gets the chance. He has nothing to lose.

Cancer (21 June to 20 July)

The first couple weeks of September find you feeling drained. So, make like a big-rig trucker, down some Phen-Phen and smoke whatever gets you to normal. Later in the month, things will pick up with a big social event. Be careful, however, of saying the wrong thing. I suggest you forego that Steve Irwin joke you’ve been working on…too soon. It will always be too soon. May I suggest instead a witty and topical remark about Owen Wilson’s recent suicide attempt?

Leo (21 July to 21 Aug.)

Has anyone ever called you co-dependant? Well, that’s because that person is a lonely and lackluster human being. You are at your best in groups, whether leading or following. Perhaps, you should consider initiating a campus-wide game of “Follow the Leader”. That’s actually how Ghandi started. Not many know that, but now you do. So, slap on a diaper and change the world…or something.

Virgo (22 Aug. to 22 Sept.)

Many students see college as a time to experiment with alcohol, gender identity and fire, but the U’s initial purpose is to educate. This month focus on that last one. (Studying, not fire. That already ended badly…enough said.) Your hard work will be rewarded later this month. Your time in the spotlight is fast approaching: Journey Karaoke night. That’s all I’m going to say.

Libra (23 Sept. to 22 Oct.)

The beginning of this month finds you at the peak of your mental capacities. Read everything you can get your hands on and crack out that old board game “Perfection” (you know, the one with the shapes and the timer). Because this month, Libra, Mattel’s got nothing on you, so, “Rock goes Perfection!”

Scorpio (23 Oct. to 22 Nov.)

September doesn’t bode well for you, initially. Be sure to pay close attention to documents and paperwork this month. It’s not that someone’s trying to cheat you, but it’s very likely you could end this month in a Tijuana prison when you thought you had a free gym membership in store. I’m just saying. It happens.

Sagittarius (23 Nov. to 20 Dec.)

You are the person everyone comes to with complaints. Usually, you don’t mind, but this month, look to the sound advice of former first lady Nancy Reagan and “Just say no.” Instead, surround yourself with the elderly. They keep to themselves and frequently have ribbon candy… bowls of it.

Capricorn (21 Dec. to 19 Jan.)

This month, it seems as though your friends are all over the place. It is important that you make yourself heard, though. Try announcing that you’ve decided to purchase a mail order bride from the Slovak Republic. It doesn’t have to be true…but your friends will listen.

Aquarius (20 Jan. to 19 Feb.)

You are brimming with creative energy, much like that toilet at your friend’s house that won’t flush right and just keeps filling with water, but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help. Don’t let this abundance of inner-art end as the faulty toilet, Aquarius.

Pisces (20 Feb. to 20 March)

This is a month for change. Like, big change… Ever seen “Trans America”? Yeah, that level of change. It’s only after you’ve gone through this metamorphosis that you can deal with emotional issues by either crying or punching, whichever option is (new) gender appropriate.