Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week calls for exploration. I suggest you suit up for an adventure. Whether it consists of calling “shotgun” for an upcoming road trip months in advance or spending the equivalent of two paychecks on spelunking gear you will use once, excitement is sure to follow. I’d think hard about that spelunking business, though there is a strict return policy surrounding halogen head lamps.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s finally time to face the music, Taurus, you’ve had financial woes for a while now, and they need to be resolved. There are only so many bad checks you can write before it starts to catch up with you…That’s not a threat or anything. But if it happens again, a guy named Vinnie might just show up at your door with a crowbar. I’m just saying.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You’re itching to try something new this week. Not literally though, because then that itch might be scabies, and while medicated ointment is something new, it’s rather lackluster, no? I suggest you follow that rumbling in your gut for the next few days…unless that, too, is an actual rumbling. Um…Maybe just look into having a physical this week, huh?
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It’s imperative that you take time for yourself. Spend a few days at home doing the things you love. Organize those stacks of 20-year-old newspapers that everyone else considers a fire hazard or alphabetize your collection of Captain Crunch pieces that look like the faces of the Dutch royal family. Go crazy, Cancer…or stay crazy, apparently.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You are on fire this week! (Again, not literally, or else you had better find a Gemini to carpool to the ER with.) If you are single, this is the perfect time to win over that special someone. I’d avoid candlelit dinners, though…just to be safe. If you’re in a relationship, try dumping the other person and then winning them back…It will spice things up. What? That’s a good idea.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’ve never been one to take big risks, but this week, go for it! Go for that big promotion, ask out that special someone or pick a fistfight with that guy at the gym who won’t clean off the ellipsoidal machine. Laugh in the face of danger! Make like Steve Irwin and grab the stingray that is life. Oh, wait…still too soon. Awkward.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
If you were a map, you would be outdated and inaccurate. I’m talking the kind of map that still cites America as having 48 states and refers to Canada as “Cowards’ Country.” Update your map, Libra. Make an emotional Gadsden Purchase and extend your Mason-Dixon line of self-improvement. Leave Canada out of it…They’re doing the best they can.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are uncannily charismatic. You may even find yourself chatting up strangers in new and interesting places. Be careful who you connect with, though. Not everyone is to be trusted, and you don’t want to spend the rest of your month in some guy’s basement putting lotion in and out of a basket, Buffalo Bill-style.
Scorpio listens to my sage advice. It does this whenever it’s told.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are in for an emotional remodel this week, and it is going to be FABULOUSSSS! Throw up some track lighting in your psyche, oxidize the patio furniture in your heart, and put the Best of Judy Garland on repeat in your soul! Then turn around and sell your newly found self for three times the original property value.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
There is an ancient Chinese fable about a young man whose heart and mind are closed, but with the help of a wise mentor, he learns to find his true strength. That fable was then made into a movie. That movie was “The Karate Kid.” Let me be your Mr. Miyagi this week. Now grab that rag and get waxing. Wax on. Wax off.
Excellent, I drive the Buick…Just don’t scratch it. Thanks.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t be afraid to voice your suggestions this week. It may seem a bit outlandish, but your group of friends will be supportive and intrigued. So, go ahead and suggest that weekend-long Coke-fueled (forget the sodas) Key Party in the hill country of Connecticut. The worst that could happen is their saying yes. All right…Giggity giggity goo!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Work will be rough for the next week. As always, the man is trying to keep you down. Don’t stand for it, Pisces. You know who you are and you are proud of it. No matter what your employer may put you through, remember you are nobody’s whipping boy! Your name will always be Kunta Kinte. Oh, wait…too soon again. Even more awkward…