Aries (March 21-April 19)
People are having difficulty understanding you this week, and not just because you’ve been completing your court-ordered community service at the retirement home. Oh, no. It’s all you, Taurus. You are a tangle of mixed signals. Focus on ensuring what you say and do are one in the same. As far as the volunteer work goes, hook up an astrologer with a sponge bath, huh?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There is a secret lurking about this week, and it’s your task to uncover it. To aid in uncovering this secret, I suggest you acquire a whip, a jaunty but functional fedora and a trustworthy friend (to refer to you as Dr. Jones). With your adventuring paraphernalia, you’ll be free to watch the faces melt off of Nazis…or, perhaps, something a bit less unsettling.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Somehow you just can’t stop wowing those around you (I told you those tap shoes were a sound investment!). At any rate, this week, it feels as though your act is quickly becoming tired. Maybe it’s time to hang up the taps, throw some relaxer on those curls and look into having those dimples surgically removed, Shirley. Because the “Good Ship Lollipop” is sinking soon.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It seems as though nothing is going according to plan this week. You have more to worry about than you thought, your friends are suddenly unreliable and your parents went on vacation, leaving you home…alone. You have the power to turn things around, Cancer. Set some slightly masochistic booby traps engineered from common household products around your living space and watch the healing begin.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
No one can deny that you are artistic and creative, Leo. You will have a tendency to be overly-critical of others’ work this week, though. Remember that it’s all about perspective. If I want to put industrial grade trash receptacles on my feet and run around a stage for two hours, that’s “My Prerogative.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re having trouble seeing things in a positive way this week, Virgo. I suggest you take a hit…I mean a tip from Jim Morrison and experiment with mind altering substances — you know, like “poetry.” Take care not to overindulge, though. You can never be sure what “poetry” is mixed with these days — before you know it, you could end up as a full-fledged performance artist.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are a creature of habit, Libra. This week, however, your habitual creature is in danger of extinction. You need to kick-start your life! I suggest you take it above and beyond Emeril Lagasse’s lackluster “Bam.” Jump right into a night of come-hither gesture dancing and a syringe full of epinephrine straight to the heart. You’ll thank me later.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Positive energy is infecting you this week. I suggest you take advantage of this beneficent petrie dish and volunteer at a local children’s hospital — find an Aries, they’ll have the phone number. Why not try to fill Mother Teresa’s orthopedic shoes? She brought a smile to the faces of countless children… and some of them had cleft palettes. So, that’s twice the smile!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your love life is as convoluted as tea time at Buckingham Palace. In fact, the British Royal Family is a near perfect model for your romantic strategy as of late. You can’t have it all, Sagittarius. Pick one and stick with him/her. Just don’t choose somebody The Queen Mother doesn’t like…Even Princess Di couldn’t escape her wrath.
(Wow…Even I find that in bad taste.)
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
There are many ways to connect with others, Capricorn. First and foremost: drunken Twister. It’s colorful, easy to hose off and somehow less strenuous than trying to meet someone at a bar. So, stretch out your ham strings, find a designated spinner and let the connections ensue.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Someone is after your money, Aquarius. So, I would avoid buying a car or marrying anyone from New Jersey this week. In fact, I suggest you make like a Dust Bowl investor and rat-hole your money deep inside the catacombs of your box spring until the coast is clear…or you forget about it and then give it to me.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This is the week to treat yourself, Pisces. Go ahead and splurge. Buy that pair of shoes, order that QVC Precious Moments figurine you’ve been lusting over for the last six months. Better yet, treat yourself to a manicure and pedicure like that woman in Nebraska who…oh…er…died of a flesh-eating virus because of a nail infection…um…maybe just hit up the Olive Garden for its never-ending pasta bowl instead.
