U President David Pershing unveiled plans this morning to construct a brand new home for the U’s business school.
“It’s important that we provide a world-class experience for our business students,” said Pershing, “because they’re the ones most likely to make lots of money that they can donate back to the U.”
The plans for the new building include state-of-the-art classrooms equipped with 3D printers and holograms, a private cafeteria reserved for business students, a helipad, a small water park and an exotic animal petting zoo.
“Sure, our current building is only a few years old,” said business school president John Stillinger, “but the law school just got an even newer building, and I’ll be damned if those nerds over at the law school are going to have a better building than us.”
“I’m really happy for the business school,” said Emily Johnston, a sophomore in English. “In the English department, we’re holding our classes in outdoor forts made from cardboard boxes because we don’t have any funding. So maybe when the business school gets their new building, we can move into their old one.”
When asked about this possibility, Pershing said, “No Humanities departments will be moving in to the business building at this time. They need to get used to living in poverty. If they wanted to have classes in a building that has functioning heating systems or bathrooms, they should have majored in a STEM field, or better yet, business!”
