- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Israelis Surround City of Bethlehem

April 2, 2002

BETHLEHEM, West Bank?Israeli tanks and bulldozers rumbled into more Palestinian towns and massed on the edge of Bethlehem in an expansion of their West Bank offensive Monday, as Palestinian militants killed 10 suspected collaborators ahead of the advancing Israeli troops.

Utah Gets Its Own ‘Celebrity Boxing’

By By Shasta Loughton, Comical Sports Writer, By Shasta Loughton, Comical Sports Writer, and By Shasta Loughton, Comical Sports Writer • April 1, 2002

The programming of local TV station KJZZ is so bad, its managers actually believe that emulating a FOX show is a good idea. As a result, less than a month removed from FOX's much-maligned Celebrity Boxing show, KJZZ announced it will televise a Utah version of the event.

Dems Vow to Terrorize Middle-Class America

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Slack-Jawed Yokel, By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Slack-Jawed Yokel, and By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Slack-Jawed Yokel • April 1, 2002

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Picking Up Own Beer Cans Not Philanthropy

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Czar, By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Czar, and By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Czar • April 1, 2002

It's a common scene: beer cans on the lawns outside houses on the U's Greek Row. And it's one that may become a lot more common. Under pressure from U officials, the U's Interfraternity Council has ruled that if a frat wants a project to count as philanthropy, it can't be picking up their own beer cans.

U Health Sciences Gets Help From Vampires

By By Frederique Hairless, Comical Old Guy, By Frederique Hairless, Comical Old Guy, and By Frederique Hairless, Comical Old Guy • April 1, 2002

A major coup for the ongoing campus blood drive was announced Friday by ARUP Blood Services and the U Health Sciences department. Television station KPNZ24 UPN has agreed to merge its "Got Blood" ad campaign with that of the campus blood drive's ad campaign in an effort to bring more people through the doors at various donation venues around the campus each week.

BYU Story Barely Coherent, Readable

By By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, By Hart Robb, Daily Universe, and By Hart Robb, Daily Universe • April 1, 2002

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Utah Deals Golf, W-Tennis Coaches To SDSU for Pick

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor and • April 1, 2002

U athletics director Chris Hill announced late Sunday night that the university had, in a cost-cutting move, traded golf coach Wayne Fisher and women's tennis coach John Tsumas to San Diego State for a conditional fourth-round draft pick. "We are struggling to get under the NCAA-mandated salary cap, and, rather than risk offending and potentially losing a high-paid star like [men's hoops coach] Rick [Majerus] by asking him to take a pay cut, we found it more feasible to deal a couple of our second-tier coaches," Hill said.

Majerus Fails as ‘Secret’ Superhero

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor • April 1, 2002

U men's basketball coach Rick Majerus has been living a double-life, and no, it does not involve him working for a high end male escort service, as many have speculated. Instead, when not leading the Utes into the NCAA Tournament, the coach has acted as the "secret" identity of would-be superhero "Doughboy.

McBride Will Play Shuffleboard

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor • April 1, 2002

He may not earn comparisons to Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders, but Ron McBride is no less a two-sport star for it. Though primarily known for his football coaching, McBride is also a wicked-awesome shuffleboard player, having torn up the Florida Senior Leagues each of the last two summers.

Everyone Who Bought a Roots Beret Is Dumb

By By Slim Piquens, Comical Sports Writer • April 1, 2002

Spring time has bombarded the U with unrelenting fervor. Birds are chirping, trees are coming to life, kites are flying, skater lingo is filling campus cement patches and pants are being exchanged for capris and the mid-length cargo short. But all the euphoria doesn't equal tranquility in the minds of some Salt Lake City residents.