- The Daily Utah Chronicle

What Coaches Really Mean

By By Dipstick McGee, Comical Sports Writer • April 1, 2002

Studying the behavioral characteristics of animals has become boring to me. In order to fully realize self actualization, I must decipher what the hell coaches are actually saying to the press. The U looks like the hotbed for amazing coaches' quotes, so it looks as if our case study must be based there.

Football Star Doesn’t Like U’s Biscuits

By By Adababe Eetzaboi, Comical Sports Writer • April 1, 2002

The University of Utah football team's freshman third string safety/rover/linebacker/long snapper D'aundre Wadsworth isn't happy. But his heat doesn't stem from a nasty blindside de cleater, from his inferior bench press in the weight room, or from societal complications stemming from his removal from south central Los Angeles to the Wasatch Front.

Football Player Practices Ballet, Likes it a Bunch

By By Shasta Loughton, Comical Dance Specialist • April 1, 2002

I'll bet you didn't know Baryshnikov played football. Well, he doesn't. But Jason Kaufusi does, and he's apparently a regular twinkletoes. On the advice of the Utes' strength coach, Jason Veltkamp, the junior U defensive end, who was named a 2001 All-MWC First Teamer started taking ballet classes last year to improve his flexibility and agility, like NFL great Walter Payton circa 1984.

Women’s Hoops Disputes Stats

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor • April 1, 2002

U women's hoops coach Elaine Elliott may not have been a math major back when she was in college, but she does have 10 fingers and 10 toes, and, more importantly, she knows how to use them. And while her middle fingers most often spring into action whenever she passes by men's hoops coach Rick Majerus, she generally has a more important task for her phalanges?counting the attendance for her team's home games.

NCAA Discovers Long-Lost Brain

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor • April 1, 2002

Despite its protestations to the contrary, it has long been rumored that the NCAA does not have a brain. A bit of spring cleaning revealed that while the hypothesis was not entirely true, it was close enough. Some rifling through a long abandoned filing cabinet in an NCAA headquarters storage room revealed the brain in a jar, and proved that, while the organization which oversees collegiate athletics does indeed have a brain, it has been dormant and unused for quite some time.

To Good for Him’ Class Offered at Women’s Center

By By Frederique Hairless, Comical Old Guy • April 1, 2002

Women's Center Announces New Courses "You're Too Good For Him" is the name of a new course to be offered during Summer Semester through the Women's Resource Center. "The motto for the new course, and our mantra here at the center is a woman's rule of thumb: 'If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it,'" said Dr.

U Student Graduates in Four Years

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Czar • April 1, 2002

Alarming academic counsellors and shocking his friends, one U student will actually graduate within four years. "I guess that's pretty good, huh?" said Dale Lyndsbout, who transferred to the U from Salt Lake Community College two years ago. Lyndsbout is one of only 12 students who will graduate this year who began their higher education in 1998.

Comical Gives Girl Scouts Lots of Booze

By By Bill T. Catt, Complaining Comical New Yorker • April 1, 2002

The U is coping with the loss of one of its major student organizations after officials decided over the weekend to revoke The Comical's charter. On Saturday, March 30, the Society of Professional Journalists, along with U administrators, unanimously voted to pull the paper's charter after a Friday night party that resulted in the hospitalization of 52 Girl Scouts due to alcohol poisoning.

Nuclear Winter May Begin With U

By By Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo, Comical Mental Patient • April 1, 2002

I know it turned out that some of my inside information has been "factually challenged." It's true, last week I found the pants I was sure the Pentagon had stolen. It turned out I just hadn't done the laundry. And maybe another explanation exists for the horde of potato bugs overrunning my house?personally, I still think Rush Limbaugh's behind it.

Mid-20-Year-Old Wanna-be Hipsters Face Depression

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Feature Writer • April 1, 2002

Walter Retlaw spends so many nights crying himself to sleep. A sufferer of depression, he's tried just about every related drug any pharmaceutical company has concocted. But his depression has nothing to do with a chemical imbalance. A family member wasn't suddenly and unexpectedly killed in an automobile accident.