- The Daily Utah Chronicle

To Good for Him’ Class Offered at Women’s Center

By By Frederique Hairless, Comical Old Guy • April 1, 2002

Women's Center Announces New Courses "You're Too Good For Him" is the name of a new course to be offered during Summer Semester through the Women's Resource Center. "The motto for the new course, and our mantra here at the center is a woman's rule of thumb: 'If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it,'" said Dr.

NCAA Discovers Long-Lost Brain

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor • April 1, 2002

Despite its protestations to the contrary, it has long been rumored that the NCAA does not have a brain. A bit of spring cleaning revealed that while the hypothesis was not entirely true, it was close enough. Some rifling through a long abandoned filing cabinet in an NCAA headquarters storage room revealed the brain in a jar, and proved that, while the organization which oversees collegiate athletics does indeed have a brain, it has been dormant and unused for quite some time.

Women’s Hoops Disputes Stats

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor • April 1, 2002

U women's hoops coach Elaine Elliott may not have been a math major back when she was in college, but she does have 10 fingers and 10 toes, and, more importantly, she knows how to use them. And while her middle fingers most often spring into action whenever she passes by men's hoops coach Rick Majerus, she generally has a more important task for her phalanges?counting the attendance for her team's home games.

Football Player Practices Ballet, Likes it a Bunch

By By Shasta Loughton, Comical Dance Specialist • April 1, 2002

I'll bet you didn't know Baryshnikov played football. Well, he doesn't. But Jason Kaufusi does, and he's apparently a regular twinkletoes. On the advice of the Utes' strength coach, Jason Veltkamp, the junior U defensive end, who was named a 2001 All-MWC First Teamer started taking ballet classes last year to improve his flexibility and agility, like NFL great Walter Payton circa 1984.

Football Star Doesn’t Like U’s Biscuits

By By Adababe Eetzaboi, Comical Sports Writer • April 1, 2002

The University of Utah football team's freshman third string safety/rover/linebacker/long snapper D'aundre Wadsworth isn't happy. But his heat doesn't stem from a nasty blindside de cleater, from his inferior bench press in the weight room, or from societal complications stemming from his removal from south central Los Angeles to the Wasatch Front.

Utah Gets Its Own ‘Celebrity Boxing’

By By Shasta Loughton, Comical Sports Writer, By Shasta Loughton, Comical Sports Writer, and By Shasta Loughton, Comical Sports Writer • April 1, 2002

The programming of local TV station KJZZ is so bad, its managers actually believe that emulating a FOX show is a good idea. As a result, less than a month removed from FOX's much-maligned Celebrity Boxing show, KJZZ announced it will televise a Utah version of the event.

What Coaches Really Mean

By By Dipstick McGee, Comical Sports Writer • April 1, 2002

Studying the behavioral characteristics of animals has become boring to me. In order to fully realize self actualization, I must decipher what the hell coaches are actually saying to the press. The U looks like the hotbed for amazing coaches' quotes, so it looks as if our case study must be based there.

Everyone Who Bought a Roots Beret Is Dumb

By By Slim Piquens, Comical Sports Writer • April 1, 2002

Spring time has bombarded the U with unrelenting fervor. Birds are chirping, trees are coming to life, kites are flying, skater lingo is filling campus cement patches and pants are being exchanged for capris and the mid-length cargo short. But all the euphoria doesn't equal tranquility in the minds of some Salt Lake City residents.

McBride Will Play Shuffleboard

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor • April 1, 2002

He may not earn comparisons to Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders, but Ron McBride is no less a two-sport star for it. Though primarily known for his football coaching, McBride is also a wicked-awesome shuffleboard player, having torn up the Florida Senior Leagues each of the last two summers.

Majerus Fails as ‘Secret’ Superhero

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor • April 1, 2002

U men's basketball coach Rick Majerus has been living a double-life, and no, it does not involve him working for a high end male escort service, as many have speculated. Instead, when not leading the Utes into the NCAA Tournament, the coach has acted as the "secret" identity of would-be superhero "Doughboy.