- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Utah Deals Golf, W-Tennis Coaches To SDSU for Pick

By By Smitty Van Leeuwen, Comical Sports Editor and • April 1, 2002

U athletics director Chris Hill announced late Sunday night that the university had, in a cost-cutting move, traded golf coach Wayne Fisher and women's tennis coach John Tsumas to San Diego State for a conditional fourth-round draft pick. "We are struggling to get under the NCAA-mandated salary cap, and, rather than risk offending and potentially losing a high-paid star like [men's hoops coach] Rick [Majerus] by asking him to take a pay cut, we found it more feasible to deal a couple of our second-tier coaches," Hill said.

Bush Utters First Coherent Sentence

March 31, 2002

WASHINGTON?President Bush shocked the nation Saturday evening at a press conference, when he uttered a coherent sentence, a first for the nation's commander in chief. The sentence, written for the president's speech on his newly added territories of the "Axis of Evil," was: "Disneyland is a significant haven for evil-doers.

Powell Pledges to &quotSchool&quot Arafat

By , , and • March 31, 2002

WASHINGTON?Secretary of State Colin Powell said Friday that he promised he would personally "open up a can of whoop-ass" on Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat during his assault on the compound in the West Bank. Powell said he spoke to Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon as his cabinet was deciding how to retaliate for a series of Palestinian suicide attacks against Israel.

Canadian Mounty Hates His Horse

March 31, 2002

MONTREAL?Canadian Mounty Harold Farnsworth brandished a gun while voicing his contempt for Canada in its refusal to provide him with a suitable mode of transportation. "I hate riding this stupid animal every day," Farnsworth announced before Canadian officials on Sunday.

Disneyland Targeted in Bush’s New &quotEvil Axis”

March 31, 2002

WASHINGTON?In a surprising turn from recent foreign policy, President Bush announced his plans to expand the so-called "Axis of Evil" to include Panama, South Dakota and Disneyland. Before a crowd of reporters and public officials, Bush unveiled his extended definition for the evil axes Saturday during a press conference discussing the current situation in Palestine.

Utah Plans to Sell City of Wendover

March 31, 2002

SALT LAKE CITY?Utah legislators are currently debating whether or not the state will disown the city of Wendover and allow it to be annexed by the neighboring state of Nevada. "This is a very serious issue," said Kim Wallace, D Sandy. "Wendover is our city of sin, and that puts a sort of tint on Utah's image.

Harvard Study to Link Violence, T.V.

March 31, 2002

BOSTON?Scientists and researchers at Harvard University have spurred controversy over a new study intended to discover whether violence begets television. For the experiment, 43 teenagers were randomly selected to undergo a 14 minute beating with baseball bats, canes and medieval cudgels.

Glow-in-the-Dark Goshutes Spotted

March 31, 2002

SALT LAKE CITY?Public officials were alarmed Sunday when bikers spotted three glow-in-the-dark American Indians near Skull Valley, leading them to believe the U.S. federal government has already deposited hazardous nuclear waste on the indian reservation. The American Indians, all members of a Goshute tribe within the valley, tested positive at the University of Utah's Health Science Lab for chemicals radium, plutonium and radioactive isotopes of tellurium.

Counterpoint: No We Don’t

By By The Legislature • March 31, 2002

It's OK, we don't like you either. But really, we don't suck. You know, this whole thing is so you?you always wanted more attention than we got. You can't push around words like what you just said thinking that you will escape unscathed. In fact, after we read your part in this editorial, we decided to hack off another $950,000.

Point: The Legislature Sucks

By By The Park Building Posse • March 31, 2002

We tried guys. We really did. We put on our Sunday best, put on big smiles, and even combed over our hair. We thought that we looked pretty respectable. But we guess it just wasn't enough for the Legislature. So, in a fit of futile yet vindictive verbal rage, we'd like to openly say that the legislators suck.