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The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
@TheChrony

Satire: How to Craft the Perfect New Year’s Resolution

Satire: How to Craft the Perfect New Years Resolution

For many people, the New Year serves as an excuse to overeat and make resolutions that last anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, depending on your levels of willpower. Here are a couple of ways to avoid that trap and craft a New Year’s resolution that can be carried out for the rest of the year.

1. Don’t pick a resolution that relies on a trait that one does not posses. In other words, play to your strengths. If a person possesses great physical strength, they should make a resolution that involves strength, such as doing push-ups every morning. Or, at least, just one. In fact, just push yourself out of bed, every morning, for a year. This will allow you to flex those muscles right out of the gate and to walk around with a sick pump for the rest of the day. Stick your chest out and walk around like a gorilla so people know you’re making gains.

2. Pick a resolution where you are the only one who can decide whether or not it was a success or failure. This will allow you to pretend that you were able to accomplish your resolution, even if you failed miserably. An example of a resolution that falls in to this category is thinking 20 positive thoughts a day. Since nobody has invented a mind reader yet, nobody else can tell whether you actually meet your goal.

3. Don’t pick a resolution that involves avoiding products with genetically modified organisms or GMOs. Although it is possible to avoid GMO food, it is challenging. Especially considering that Vermont is the only state that requires food manufacturers to inform consumers whether or not their products contain GMOs. Or you could buy the extremely expensive products that have GMO-free labels. But unless you’ve got a Super PAC funding your resolution, that simply is not a financially feasible option.

4. Don’t pick a resolution that involves getting Congress to enact any legislation that has anything to do with gun control. Despite having many opportunities to pass legislation that could make a difference in gun violence during 2015, Congress failed to adopt a single one. That trend is set to continue in 2016 with the power of lobby groups like the NRA showing little evidence of abating and politicians still being largely controlled by gun corporations.

5. Don’t do a Marvel movie marathon. At this point, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is composed of 12 movies, which altogether would take 30+ hours to view. No matter how good you think you are at staying awake, it is going to be impossible to stay awake for 30+ hours without the aide of some serious Russian crank. And I would definitely not recommend kicking off the New Year with a deadly new drug habit, regardless of how awesome it might make a Marvel movie marathon.

6. Don’t make a resolution that involves staying away from electronics for long periods of time. As a society that uses electronics for everything from banking to communication, it is going to be nearly impossible to stop using electronics without jeopardizing your relationships with others. After all, almost everybody communicates with electronics, whether it’s using their cell phones to tell you where to meet them or using social media to tell you what they are doing. You might even miss out on the latest trending topic, such as the Nyan Cat.

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