Oct. 13WednesdayRachael Yamagata is beautiful…and Calendar means that in the most complete, non-frat, all-encompassing ‘beauty-defines-everything-this-person-does’ sense of the term. Sure, Yamagata is gorgeous, and sure, her voice actually has the power to reach into the upper-echelons of the universe to elicit an emotional response from God itself (it’s, like, scientifically proven and stuff-don’t ask questions), but Calendar means this woman is beautiful-beautiful. Don’t know what we mean? Go read a Nicholas Sparks-type novel or something and stop bugging us. That, or just go down to to hear the song “Worn me Down,” and tell Calendar that you didn’t A) require surgery to pick your jaw up off the floor from where it fell, B) rush right out of Joe’s and bolt directly for the nearest pawn shop in order trade your soul for a rhinestone engagement ring, or C) buy the entire club a round of whiskey because…well, there is no because. You don’t need to explain your art to anybody!

Little-known factoid, Calendar cadets: Back before his glorious Rat Pack heyday, Ol’ Blue Eyes himself worked in the sanitation cleanup industry. Yep, believe it or not (our advice: probably not, because we’re lying again), Sinatra was a trash man. Crazy, huh? Just goes to show that even the dude who takes your refuse can grow up to get with Marilyn Monroe. Or at least such is the belief of the Trashcan Sinatra’s, who play tonight at Club Sound (579 W. 200 South), in hopes of scoring with the all the cuties from the Norma-Jean look-a-like convention that is not taking place in our town-sorry, gang. Show starts at 9 p.m. and costs $15. Go get ’em, Dino.

What could possibly be better than choking on a fishbone and requiring “breathing assistance” from the ultra-attractive host/hostess that sat you earlier? Um, how about not almost dying and forcing yourself on some unsuspecting do-good coed? Yeah, that’d be better, and so would seeing Fishbone play live tonight at The Velvet Room (155 W. 200 South) for $20. The show starts at 9 p.m., and while a crisp dub may seem a little much for a Wednesday-night concert in Salt Lake, Calendar has been assured that it’s an acceptable cost considering concert promoters are taking extra care to ensure that the only thing you could possibly choke on at this Fishbone festival is a jagged little guitar riff. Or a bar snack. Those things will get you.

Speaking of bar snacks, Calendar thinks it’s time to settle an age-old score: Salted peanuts vs. mini pretzels. The winner will be crowned official bar snack of the universe, while the loser will be relegated to the bottom of the trail-mix bag. “How could such a contest possibly be decided!?” you ask. “How could something so epic ever be officiated?” Fear not, Calendar has the solution: Dueling pianos! That’s right, for a limited time only (tonight), watch as the battle of the bar snacks goes down to the tune of some competitive concert pianos at The Tavernacle. Seeing as this is a decision that affects all people, from all walks of life, regardless of whether or not they can pay a cover charge, this duel don’t cost nuthin’. The keys start flying at 9 p.m.-be there, B-sharp.

Or, if dueling pianos aren’t cool enough for you (which means you really ought to thaw your ice-cold ass out before your fingers fall off, homie-dueling pianos are cool enough for everybody. And their mothers, too), you can always separate from the pack by going to Shaggy’s tonight for college night, which is also a free affair so long as you have a valid 21+ and student ID. Wait, did we say ‘separate from the pack?’ Sorry, we meant ‘fail to distinguish yourself from every other single buffalo in the herd.’

So, for the last presidential debate, President Bush requested a town-hall format to better play to his skills. In order to be as “fair and balanced” as possible, now it’s John Kerry’s turn. His request? Nothing too crazy-no special format or anything-simply that the debate take place at the oft-inebriated campus at Arizona State University. The logic? Calendar isn’t quite sure, but we think it has something to do with the fact that desert-dwelling college kids, when drunk, think President Bush looks strikingly similar to an oversized, semi-literate baboon. Don’t ask Calendar why, they just do. And we mean, if Kerry can’t beat a baboon for the votes of the disenfranchised intoxicated 20-somethings at ASU, then it might be time to rethink a few things…like what the hell Calendar is talkin’ bout, Willis. Tune into your favorite corporately owned and operated broadcast network at 7 p.m. to see the feces get flung.