Aha shake Calendar

Feb. 11

Friday

Haters have been calling Calendar a sellout for quite some time now-we came from the p-jects, we blew up, and now, Dre wants us on his new record with Fitty. That’s success, people, and we’re not fighting it. We didn’t take those 12 bullets for nothing-would you? Would you turn down the endorsement deals? The groupies? The asbestos?

Something Corporate doesn’t really have a problem with selling-out, especially after its once tongue-in-cheek name became a primary staple…of irony. The piano-pop-punk band that might be better known for its formidable Hollister promotion deal than its formidable musical talents plays tonight at In The Venue (219 S. 600 West). Doors at 7 p.m. tickets are $17 from 24tix.com.

So a snake, a cross and a crown walk into a bar. Snake looks at the bartender, says: “Hey, Pancho: Get me a whiskey-water, light on the water.” Bartender looks back at the snake: “You ain’t got hands, bub.” Maybe The Snake, The Cross, The Crown (the band) will have more luck when it plays Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) tonight at 7 p.m. Tickets are $10 from 24tix.com. Better luck being possessed by the Devil. The Devil, we said.

Calendar’s high school yearbook just went up for auction on eBay-highlights include perpetual, lifelong death threats from every prom queen nominee over all six years, our entire varsity baseball squads’ “thanks for the ‘roids” sig, and our principal’s line about “going nowhere fast” or something. The Year Book will be on exhibition at Kilby Court (741 S. 300 West), 7 p.m. tonight along with Uzi and Ari and Moon Horses. Who needs to put their pants back on? Seriously.

Finally, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre begins four days from the drop date when Scooby, Shaggy and the rest of those toked-out hipsters hotboxing the Mystery Machine erupt in an orgy of…family fun. “A Scooby-Doo Valentine” (7:30 p.m. on the WB) is coming to boob-tubes across America tonight. And no, it won’t be suggestive. At all.

Feb. 12

Saturday

Calendar’s favorite secret machines (as opposed to Mystery Machines) are, in no particular order: the ever-violated Chronicle snack machine, which, for two high-kicks and a body check, is free; the ASUU Political Machine, which, for thousands of dollars and white-bred ancestry, is also free; and finally, Calendar’s arch nemesis, A&E’s own Eryn Green the Pretense Machine, who runs off of amphetamines, egg nog and inverted sunshine. Dig on The Secret Machines when it plays Saturday night at the Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) at 6:30 p.m. Tickets are $15.

Operation: Wolf, Operation: American Crying Bald-Eagle Freedom, and Operation: Kalamazoo-zoo-zoo-yourself-straight-to-hell can only go so far before too many people have been run over or mowed down relentlessly by the Secret Operation Machine. Luckily, Operation Smile Bowl, which goes down on Saturday afternoon, doesn’t plan on hooking up anyone’s nether-reigons to 5,000 Volts of All-American “Juice” when the Union Bowling Lanes are opened up to vagrants, thieves and the rest of the general public/huddled masses. 4-5:30 p.m. Bowling. Food. People.

Feb. 21

Sunday

Straight up: Kanye West deserves to win every single Grammy he’s been nominated for. Watch it happen when The College Dropout himself will Jesus-Walk on water at “The Grammys” tonight, 7 p.m. on CBS.