Horoscopes

By By The Guru

By The Guru

Aries (March 21-April 19)

This week is off to a slow start. Not slow like Velcro-shoes-on-a-still-stumbling-toddler slow, but slow nonetheless. The cosmos predicts, however, you will get “crunked” later in the week. So, I suggest you put off that table dance until Saturday, and consider keeping those Velcros laced up — they provide excellent traction.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You have a beautiful energy about you this week that will make you irresistible to others. The trick is, Taurus, be careful who you surround yourself with. I would avoid public parks with a high percentage of ducks, geese or homeless. The last thing you need is a vagrant named Patches following you home.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

This week is rife with communication problems. Everybody seems to be misinterpreting what you are trying to tell them. I suggest you switch to an alternative form of communication this week, like the non-verbal art of sign language! If it’s good enough for Helen Keller, it’s certainly good enough for you, Gemini.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You know when you have a really great sweater, but it has a string hanging off? So you pull it just a little bit, and then a little bit more, and before you know it, you’re wearing an angora bolero. I suggest you find your relationship equivalent of the angora bolero and start repairing it with the crochet hook of love.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Have you ever been to Sea World, Leo? Well, I have. I went primarily to see Shamu the whale. I arrived early, grabbed a front row seat and eagerly awaited the unadulterated marine joy that was about to ensue. The thing about sitting that close to a two-ton bath toy is that you will get soaked with salt water…and brine. Take a back seat to the action this week. Be more like the Swedish Tourists in the fourth row, wearing ponchos. You’ll thank me for it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

My, you are organized this week! You seem to have a place for everything and everything is in its place…which is great, but you’re kind of freaking the rest of us out. I suggest you take a chance to unclench your organizational sphincter, and go with the flow. Er…not that flow. In fact, avoid excessive amounts of fiber all together this week.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I’ll just bet you were growing up as one of those kids who could always see the hidden picture in those Magic Eye books. Huh, Libra? Well. Good for you. May I suggest you find a way to use your talents for good, rather than evil? And quit lording your abilities over the rest of us! So, you can see the unicorn amidst the torrent of overlapping neon shapes. Big Deal. Get a job.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

This week is the perfect time to find someone special. You’re particularly appealing this week, so you can have your pick of just about anyone. Once your find your other half, revisit the activities designed for two that you’ve had little success with on your own. Just a few that come to mind: twister, rock paper scissors, and of course, tandem biking.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This week your sphere lies in the home. Try letting the domestic diva within come out. Go ahead and needle point that Bob Marley poster or tart up those drunken Facebook pictures with a few die-cuts. Who knows what you’re capable of this week, Sagittarius. But before you get started, could you bring me my slippers? Thanks babe. (Insert belittling rump smack here.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-June 19)

You are at your intellectual peak this week, Capricorn. The world is your learning oyster and you’re a handsome bar maid…or something. The point is, now is the time to take in all that you can. I suggest you rent the “Best of Reading Rainbow Box Set.” The Collectors Edition, of course, and let the re-education ensue. But don’t take my word for it! Boop Doo Doo (rainbow swipe out of frame).

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Things are not as they appear, Aquarius. It’s as if the whole week is wearing a moustache and stalking about with shifty eyes. I suggest you make as Nancy Drew and get to the bottom of what’s unsettling you, before those damn, dirty Hardy Boys beat you to it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

A family member is in need of your assistance this week. The problem is, he or she is too stubborn or proud to ask for your help. You have no choice, Pisces, but to round up your loved ones, yes, the elderly and infirm included, and give them Indian burns until they tell you what’s bothering them (disregard them saying “You Indian burning me” — that’s not the root of their problem). Tough love, I know, but it’s a hard job being a Pisces.

[email protected]