- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Supervillain Robot Seizes EMCB

By By Rupert Fancipants, Comical Weisenheimer • March 31, 2002

Illustrating the tragic unreadiness of on-campus anti-robot efforts, a robotic supervillain seized the Engineering and Mines Classroom Building. Accompanied by cybernetic og-cart driving Marxists, Polish Roboticus and his sidekick Aluminum Titan swept into the classroom building late Sunday.

Write-in Favorite ASUU Sucks Wins By a Landslide

By By Sally Vacuum, Comical News Writer • March 31, 2002

In a surprising turn of events, write-in candidate ASUU Sucks won the final elections for student office. Hot sex naked nude, another successful write-in candidate, will become vice president of the organization. Sucks and nude will take over the Associated Students of the University of Utah in May.

Police Report: Students for Choice Left Unharassed

By By Rupert Fancipants and Frederique Hairless, Comical Weisenheimers • March 31, 2002

Staffers of Pro Choice booth not hassled?Students for Choice, the on-campus abortion-rights activist group, came to the U Police Department complaining that no one had hassled them Thursday. Typically setting up booths outside the Union two to four times per week, Students for Choice members are usually harassed by passers by.

Point: The Legislature Sucks

By By The Park Building Posse • March 31, 2002

We tried guys. We really did. We put on our Sunday best, put on big smiles, and even combed over our hair. We thought that we looked pretty respectable. But we guess it just wasn't enough for the Legislature. So, in a fit of futile yet vindictive verbal rage, we'd like to openly say that the legislators suck.

Counterpoint: No We Don’t

By By The Legislature • March 31, 2002

It's OK, we don't like you either. But really, we don't suck. You know, this whole thing is so you?you always wanted more attention than we got. You can't push around words like what you just said thinking that you will escape unscathed. In fact, after we read your part in this editorial, we decided to hack off another $950,000.

Glow-in-the-Dark Goshutes Spotted

March 31, 2002

SALT LAKE CITY?Public officials were alarmed Sunday when bikers spotted three glow-in-the-dark American Indians near Skull Valley, leading them to believe the U.S. federal government has already deposited hazardous nuclear waste on the indian reservation. The American Indians, all members of a Goshute tribe within the valley, tested positive at the University of Utah's Health Science Lab for chemicals radium, plutonium and radioactive isotopes of tellurium.

Harvard Study to Link Violence, T.V.

March 31, 2002

BOSTON?Scientists and researchers at Harvard University have spurred controversy over a new study intended to discover whether violence begets television. For the experiment, 43 teenagers were randomly selected to undergo a 14 minute beating with baseball bats, canes and medieval cudgels.

Utah Plans to Sell City of Wendover

March 31, 2002

SALT LAKE CITY?Utah legislators are currently debating whether or not the state will disown the city of Wendover and allow it to be annexed by the neighboring state of Nevada. "This is a very serious issue," said Kim Wallace, D Sandy. "Wendover is our city of sin, and that puts a sort of tint on Utah's image.

Disneyland Targeted in Bush’s New &quotEvil Axis”

March 31, 2002

WASHINGTON?In a surprising turn from recent foreign policy, President Bush announced his plans to expand the so-called "Axis of Evil" to include Panama, South Dakota and Disneyland. Before a crowd of reporters and public officials, Bush unveiled his extended definition for the evil axes Saturday during a press conference discussing the current situation in Palestine.

Canadian Mounty Hates His Horse

March 31, 2002

MONTREAL?Canadian Mounty Harold Farnsworth brandished a gun while voicing his contempt for Canada in its refusal to provide him with a suitable mode of transportation. "I hate riding this stupid animal every day," Farnsworth announced before Canadian officials on Sunday.