- The Daily Utah Chronicle

Iran Scared

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. TEHRAN-While watching Al-Jazeera last night, Iran suddenly realized it was surrounded on both sides by American troops.

Feature Photo: Beam this!

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

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Feature Photo: Is This Sexy?

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. "Myee neeplz expload vees deelight!" Daniel Smith "Well, yes it is sexy. Unfortunately, not nearly as sexy as me.

Hey! Y’all Gather ‘Round for Science Round Up yee-haw!

By By Cliff Cavort, By Cliff Cavort, By Cliff Cavort, and By Cliff Cavort • April 1, 2003

Gregoria Felicidades Chronic Staff Writer Geologists Warn: U Parking Stalls Shrinking at Alarming Rate-People can no longer blame oversized SUVs and inconsiderate jack-asses for dents and dings in their car doors. A U geologist shakes his head and says his tape measure suggests a more elusive culprit.

Blockbuster VS Bunker Busters In Iraq

By By Cliff Cavort, By Cliff Cavort, By Cliff Cavort, and By Cliff Cavort • April 1, 2003

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. BAGHDAD-Members of the Iraqi government rented every Vietnam War movie from Baghdad's downtown "Blockbuster Video" last week, according to recent intelligence reports.

PRO: Will You Marry Me?

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

LeGRANDE jensen Hot Commodity Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Sister, I know you take your singles' ward responsibilities seriously.

Women: Domesticated Housepets or Potential Male Threats?

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Joe bread winner Chronic MaleColumnist Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. I know what you're thinking. That myself, being male, could never truly understand what Women's Week is all about.

Drunken Frat Boy Drives Country into Ditch

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Bling-Bling Goldsmith Chronic Staff Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Highway Patrol officers reported finding a high-ranking government official who had apparently driven his country into a ditch in rural Texas.

Playboy Announces “The Women of Iraq”

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Hal Elujah Chronic Staff Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. After the wildly successful "Women of Enron" and "Women of WorldCom" issues, Hugh Hefner and Playboy Magazine announced today yet another special issue, "The Women of Iraq," which will highlight the wives and mistresses of some of the country's highest-ranking government officials, including the lovers of the big guy himself, Saddam Hussein.

Student Volunteers Help Local Seniors With Life’s Little Problems, Pickle Jars

By , , , and • April 1, 2003

Cliff Happy Chronic News Writer Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool's Day issue. Please don't believe any of it, and please don't sue us. Thanks. Sociology major Brandon Wu remembers the first time he helped 86-year-old Irma Kirby open a jar.